Madame Debout: fresher frettings

Dear Madame Debout,

I understand you were once an academic mother at St Andrews, what advice can you give me on staying out of trouble while I’m here?

Strap on a pair. Go and have some fun.

Madame Debout,

I understand that there are many traditions at St Andrews, like wearing a red cape around town. Where can I get one and did they wear them in your day?

Walk straight past the Quidditch Pitch and on towards the Forbidden Forest but just before you reach it, turn left towards the Herbology building (cover your ears or you’ll hear the Mandrakes) and just next door is the uniform shop; feel free to go and pick up your cape there. You’ll find the rest of the students at St Andrews wearing gowns. Also, I’m not sure I like your tone; what do you mean ‘in my day’?

Dearest Madame,

I met two students on an open day, one had his gown at half mast and the other had his over one arm. What does it mean?

I have no idea… perhaps they were drunk.

Madame Debout,

I have a room in Sallies, but my roommate snores and farts. What am I supposed to do? I can’t bear this for a whole year!

I suggest a long pole to A) poke him with and B) open the window.

Dear Madame Debout,

I hear that many people find their future spouse at St Andrews. What is the best way of meeting The One?

Try stopping with the Initial Capitalisation, saddo. It’s university:  a cookie jar of experiences, some gooey, some stale.  Keep eating, you might find one you like – or just get sick of cookies.

If you’d like the advice of Madame Debout, please write to [email protected]