Made in Chile Pt. 2

Welcome to the little known Chilean cultural institution of ´Café con Piernas´ (´Coffee with Legs´). I would like to take this opportunity to point out to my parents and future employers that this coffee was entirely innocent. I turned up at Santander’s central office in Santiago (I’m afraid I wasn’t there to start a one man Occupy movement, but to any campaigners out there, don’t worry I’ll probably bring it down from the inside) and was bright and early for once. This was surprising seeing as I was still slightly numb to the morning due to one too many Pisco Sours (see ‘Made in Chile’) and a frustrating night of Salsa dancing. It turns out my self-deprecating description of myself dancing as: ‘a giraffe being administered electric shocks’ neither translates well into Spanish, nor comes across as endearing. Latin American girls want a guy with rhythm; alas, I was born with none.

I was born, however, with a nose for good coffee and found myself with time to spare for one of my most memorable coffee-drinking experiences so far.

In desperate need for a caffeinated-start to my day, I was intrigued to see a sign saying´Café con Piernas´ (´Coffee with Legs´). I thought this was an interesting way of saying take-away coffee. As I walked in I was greeted, however, by a pair of rather large breasts. Said breasts were wearing a fitted red dress that hugged every curve. This wasn’t the double Mocha I’d expected! If I wanted to see girls who apply make up with a trowel and dance sexily on a stage surrounded by seedy men, then I would go out with the cast of Geordie Shore in my hometown of Newcastle.

Normally I would say that I am a guy with few inhibitions, but on entering the café I turned into Mark (David Mitchell) from Peep Show, replete with full self-doubting internal monologue. Two things heightened this; firstly, the Roxanne-red dress was worn as a uniform by all the waitresses; and secondly, the attitude of all the Chilean men was absurdly blasé. They merely knocked back shots of caffeine without so much as a furtive glance or occasional leer.

After giving ‘Roxanne’ my order, I attempted to slurp my coffee as nonchalantly as the rest of the patrons. Once back in the office, I regaled my new colleagues with stories of romance, conquest and double Mochas. Needless to say, they knew of ´Café con Piernas´ and were eager to join me for a refill.

Somehow I don’t think my St Andrews morning coffee from Costa will ever be quite such an experience. In case you are wondering, the coffee was excellent and I tipped in the usual fashion. Whether that was the usual fashion for a coffee shop or a strip club you will never know.

Written by James Penn, understand writer