How to avoid staying “sad and lonely” this Valentine’s Day

Head down to Jesters, that’s where I’ll be

Aah Valentine’s Day, that wonderous midpoint between Christmas and Easter chosen by Clintons to capitalise on your loneliness and self pity.

How might one find their way out of the emotional black hole they’ve found themselves slipping into since they failed to keep all those new years resolutions?

Stave off the loneliness in the comforting embrace of Ben & Jerry’s? A shitey rom-com? Or in the bed of some other lost soul who found their way into your life via the medium of the Jesters dancefloor as if fucking some randomer is gonna help resolve all your lifes issues? Spoiler alert: it won’t.

I’m not bitter I promise.

This is my definitive guide detailing how you (points at you like Uncle Sam) can avoid appearing sad and desperate this Valentine’s Day.

Step 1. Get some social skills

While social skills are not always necessary to pull, I can confirm that they do indeed help (or so I’m told). Picture yourself in Ocies, you spot that special someone from the other end of the cheese room, you catch their eye, maybe you fluster them slightly with your wiles. They make their way over to you and all you can muster the courage to say is “You like Jazz?” (ala Barry Bee Benson). Take it from me, this does not work.

This could be us if you play your cards right

Step 2. Drink


Step 3. But stay concsious

Nothing says World Class Lover like having your stomach prolapse out your mouth and promptly passing out at 11:30 right? Wrong. While your confidence will steadily grow with each quad vod you ingest, your chances of ending that ‘brief’ dry spell (shut up Dave its been 15 months) will shockingly and inexsplicably plummet.

(I feel now is a good time to mention, if someone is clearly not alright, they are OFF LIMITS, don’t be a rapey douchbag, yeah? Thanks)

The negative consequences of one too many shots – the more astute of readers will notice that this chap has ended the night alone, this is probably for the best given the sheer volume of chunder in that sickbucket

Step 4. Downplay the desperation

You know you’re low key desperate, I know you’re low key desperate, everyone else here is low key desperate. The trick is to not let anyone know that in the core of your very being, you are very very high key desperate and/or gagging for literally anything. This is one surefire way (the other bing the aformentioned vomiting) to let everyone in a mile radius know that you should not be selected for a coveted Valentine’s night hook-up. Just play it cool dude.

Step 5. Lower your standards

Let’s be real, Zac Efron/Emma Watson is not gonna be at Jesters and if he/she were he/she probably wouldn’t settle for the likes of you. If you really want to avoid going home alone, you’re gonna have to learn to see the “inner beauty” in some people, although the beer goggles will help with this to some extent. Just make sure that when you wake up you get the fuck out of there before you realise what/who you’ve done.

Happy (consensual) hunting.