Celebrating the end of exams with 12 hours in Jesters.

That’s right! Exam season is coming to an end which means only one thing: The Jester’s Annual Cider Festival is this weekend.


Over the weekend, hundreds of you subject yourselves to the gruelling Jesters challenge, here are some tips that will help you survive 12 hours inside the UK’s ‘worst nightclub’. Follow this guide and you’ll be well on your way to acquiring that all important Gold Card entitling you to queue jump and free entry into The Palace of Dreams for an entire year.

Early arrival

This is essential. The last thing you want is to arrive late only to find that all the tables have been taken and you and your pals have to play Black Jack on Jesters’ cesspit of a floor. So arrive with enough time to avoid getting a sticky arse and pinch yourselves a table.

Cramped conditions for the latecomers.

Pace yourself

Again, this is a must. Caught spewing? You’re out. Pace yourself throughout the day or else, before you know it, you’ll be face down in your own chunder after thinking it was a brilliant idea to sink 6 ciders before lunchtime. Okay, 12 hours of torment in Jesters is near impossible without alcohol, that’s a given. But remember, this is a marathon. 12 hours. In order to make it until 1am, you need a strategy. Plan when the best time to start on the bevs is, because you don’t want to fall at the last hurdle have to be carried out a taxi by your mate.

An early departure for this one.

Carb up

There is nothing worse than getting trollied too early because you haven’t eaten properly. Have a big breakfast and take a plentiful supply of snacks to soak up your jesticles throughout the day.

Take your own entertainent

Right, so you’ve arrived early and got your table but conversations are starting to wear thin. You don’t want to kill your phone battery too early and you’ve discovered there’s only so much charades a sane person can play. You’ve found yourself tossing the names of Suzan Boyle and Dot Cotton from Eastenders around in a game of Would You Rather. You’ve sunk to a new low. You’re regretting your decision to come and it’s only 3pm – the next 10 hours aren’t going to be pleasant. Take your own entertainment! Whether it be a deck of cards or a colouring book. Take anything that will keep you thinking rationally in that dungeon for 12 hours. Fuck it, take Monopoly if you have the patience.

Use your breaks wisely

You have only two opportunities to leave Jesters during the challenge, use them wisely. Your breaks are advertised as an opportunity to use an ATM, but in reality you want to be using this time to chug down a couple of Aldi’s Taurus ciders to avoid paying £5 a pop all night for Jesters’ cider. 

Footwear

This one needs no explanation. Jesters’ floor is buried beneath a concoction of sludge, grime and general filth. The toilet floors are submerged beneath a shallow tide of piss and vomit. Choose your footwear wisely.

Good company

Last but not least, choose your partners in crime carefully. All of the above is completely obsolete unless you can have a good laugh when you’re there. Boring company might just be your downfall – you don’t want to be discussing why first time buyers can’t get a mortgage with the weird lass from upstairs who collects acorns.