Valentines Special: The WORST Valentine's Gifts Guide

Continuing on from the best gifts, here are a compilation of the WORST. Basically things that no one wants to receive and will end in a relationship break-down. Too many people in the world don’t celebrate Valentines, maybe because it ‘love’ is just a dirty trick played on us for the continuation of the human species, but remember…it is ultimately just another ‘present day’ the calender.

I’m all for jokes (for evidence please see: my life) but there are just some things that AREN’T funny, however you try to justify it. Examples include cooking utensils or cleaning products: all those hilarious jokes about how women are better in the kitchen, I’m still trying to find how they are ‘riveting’. Same goes for ‘penis enhancer’ for a dude. I have learnt this is the one way to put a stuck-up twat down, handy sometimes, but probably not on Valentine’s. Another bad idea is diet pills, an exercise DVD or protein shake mix: if you are going to book a holiday together, you need to look good, it’s just a bit blunt. Lastly, a home STD test kit, as it’s difficult to decipher as to whether it’s a joke, or if there’s genuinely a chance that you are crawling with diseases.

The most recent picture of women in the kitchen

There are also presents that are cringey, or things you think your partner simply won’t like such as, a magazine subscription to Gardeners World, horrific when you have your own gardener! A love letter with a previous recipient’s name crossed out and replaced, admittedly pretty lazy and ruthless. A cookbook conveys that all the effort put into cooking was wasted and that you probably shouldn’t ever expect a meal again. Despite what many of you may think, something personalised or customised: the chances of being ‘together forever’ are realistically very slim, it needs to be something that won’t end up at the bottom of their wardrobe in 3 months time or at a car-boot sale.

Then there are the presents that say a lot more than they, one, cost and two, what they ever meant to imply. This goes for DVDs/CDs/Games: We all know about HMVs blue cross sale, these items also promote relationship breakdown due to numerous hours spent on COD and not enough attention paid to the loved one that purchased it. Surprisingly, money is another one as it suggests that you literally couldn’t think of anything to get the ‘love of your life’ for Valentines day, I would take it and run “sort it out”. In addition, razors implying that leaving leg hair for 3 months or that prickly facial hair is no longer acceptable. As previously noted, sex is a great thing to incorporate into Valentines day, but take a second to think what a self-pleasure sex toy may actually mean (the relationship is clearly coming to an end and they don’t want the hassle for break-up sex).

The reason for 78% of relationship break ups

Then there’s the pointless and boring. Stationary, we have a student loan for. Chocolate as the stash is probably big enough already. Sadly, engagements, as there is nothing worse than getting engaged in the same way that 89% of couples do: in a mediocre restaurant on Valentines day at approximately 9pm whilst sharing a sticky toffee pudding. If this happens to you, I would seriously consider the answer for this exact reason. Other items include socks, a sex cheque book or a ‘ring for sex’ bell (why do we need a piece of paper to receive?), a cuddly toy and flowers (unless you provide eye drops and Benadryl).

Obviously worst of all there’s just getting nothing (having not agreed) or getting dumped, my advice on this: have a drink…or 12. 

GOOD LUCK! Terms and conditions apply. I take no responsibility for your loved ones behaviour, any further relationship breakdown after taking my advice or you being influenced in any negative way, shape or form.