Festival Fashion: How To Look Like A Dick

It’s that time of year again when all the wannabe indie kids get practically orgasmic over warm beer, muddy fields and overpriced kebabs. Yep it’s festival season. This year The Tab are here to provide some fashion advice on how to look like just another cloned indie front (wo)man, or to us normal people; dicks.

Guys

With the Ali Baba look you'll be onto a winner (left)

The essential attire for men at this year’s festivals must include a baggy vest, band name branded T-shirt and a pair of shorts you’d expect to find in a Portswood charity shop. Pop down to Topman (walk, don’t take the bus, buses are so mainstream) to check out an extortionately priced selection of clothing guaranteed to make you look like a bell end at Beach Break.

Shorts that will make you infertile in years to come are an absolute must

For those of you looking to save a bit of dollar, head down to Primark and get yourself a plain T-shirt for a fiver. Then root through the glovebox in your dad’s motor for an album with an interesting band’s name. Don’t worry, you don’t need to have actually heard of this band music before, who even knows names like The Clash or the Stone Roses anyway? Then grab yourself a Sharpie and scrawl said name on the front of the T-shirt. Job done.

Blokes, festivals are the perfect opportunity to pretend you’re a Topman model, just remember to sport the facial expression of a corpse and be sure to have a dodgy hair cut.

Girls

Ladies, we all know how long you spend packing for a festival. Trying to make yourself look elegantly dishevelled, matching, or should I say, mismatching those key festival essentials as commanded by Cosmo and Glamour. Many of you have the key to perfecting that ‘I don’t give a shit’ look, when really, it’s taken you hours and hours to plan and put together.

Putting together the ‘Festival’ look will mean a serious dent to your bank account. We know that you simply MUST HAVE that £80 pair of Hunter wellies, but why not just raid your granddad’s shed for a pair, it might save you some cash and they’ll already be mud-stained. No need to buy yourself a Glastonbury ticket JUST to get them muddy, he’s done the work for you. You can turn up like you’ve already been to ten festivals this year so far and make sure you gloat about this and shake your wristband laden wrist in their face. Simple!

Let’s not forgot those statement shorts. Tip number one, they must be short enough to show at least half of your arse cheeks but make sure you keep the waist low enough to flash the majority of your belly. If they’re not short enough, grab some scissors and do your worst. Ripped denim is SO on trend. If they’re a little too high-waisted, just grab a crop top, hideously over-priced, from Topshop. Failing that, stick with the bra and don’t even bother with a top.

As with all British festivals, the weather is guaranteed to take a turn for the worst and you want to be prepared for this so a wax coat is essential. If you want to go for the toff look then nick daddy’s Barbour jacket. Also don’t forget to don an extremely unique flower headband, really, no-one wears them at festivals these days. I promise you’ll stand out so much that maybe even Sergio from Kasabian will notice you this year at Reading and take you backstage.

So guys and girls remember to follow our advice if you’re heading to any of the festivals this summer and check out a more serious guide to the 2012 festivals here if you haven’t already.