Dear Britney, Here’s a lesson in chart success, love Adele

Adele gives some helpful pointers to Britney

Hey Brit,

I heard on the old grapevine that you’re not doing as well as you’d hoped with your latest comeback. So, in light of my recent chart domination I thought I’d give you a few tips to help you get your mojo back and also to rub it in about how well I’m doing.

Since her bald stint, Britney has clocked up 3 'comebacks'

Firstly, stop having ‘comebacks.’ Even Jesus capped it at one. We know you had the comeback that you ruined by having your ‘bald stage,’ and then the next comeback to show you were over the bald stage…but experimenting with dubstep isn’t a comeback. Calm down Britney.

My next tip on how to be a chart winner like me is to release a track that is instantly likable, just a bit different to everything from your last album. Now I guess you’ve done it with ‘Hold It Against Me.’ I get the dubstep thing. You’ve proved you can be edgy. If you wanted to be a bit classier like me, Adele, I’d have gone for a more “dark bluesy gospel disco tune” like ‘Rolling In The Deep’ but whatever. I guess that’s why my track got to #2 and yours only peaked at #6.

Now, even if you’ve got a good song like ‘Rolling In The Deep,’ you’ve GOT to promote it Britters. Surely you’ve been in the game long enough now? I know it must be hard not to have the personality of a piece of driftwood since your meltdown resulted in your whole life being controlled by your Dad like some naughty 5 year old but hey, if you want to be on top like me, then you’ve got to get out there. Do some chatshows, slag off some other singers, have a laugh. Whatever you do, DON’T do this again…

Once you've done the video, Brit, get it out there!

This next tip is something I think you struggle with Brit, and as someone who’s had the biggest selling January record in 5 years, I’d take my advice. Stop building up your videos with so much hype that they’ll never live up to expectations. Yeah, a bit of excitement is good. Flash a clip or two, get some quotes from the director. THEN RELEASE IT. Don’t release a 9 second trailer every day for 2 whole weeks. 2 WEEKS?! What’s that all about?! By the time your video was out your song was already tumbling out of the charts…#6…#8…#18…#26…#35…ouch. I don’t want to brag, but in case you were wondering, mine is still at #4…

Whilst we’re on the subject of videos, what’s the deal with all this product placement?! Yeah a cheeky shot of you using your own perfume (As if…) is fine, but who cares if you use a Sony pc or visit plentyoffish.com to sate your sordid appetite? I just sat on a chair for mine. Easy. I’m also a bit confused about the eerie shots you’ve used. I know you got the guy that does all GaGa’s videos to do yours but dancers with no eyes? That ‘Joker’ smile? You’re a pop princess not a freak.

Why are you being so creepy?!

Once you’ve followed these steps, get your album out. If people love your single then they’re going to want the album. That’s why my album is at #1. Still. Just telling people your album is called ‘Femme Fatale’ isn’t going to rack up any sales. Get on with it love.

I've got my formula downnnn

That way, you can deliver a show stopping performance at one of the huge music awards ceremonies. Other notable stars who have done this include me, Adele. I got up there on stage at the Brits, belted out my album track ‘Someone Like You’ in front of a packed o2 Arena, got a standing ovation and Bob’s your Uncle, it’s at #1 this week. BAM. You could have performed at the Grammys Brit. Everyone was talking about it! But then you shat on that dream by not even turning up. Performing your first promo for the album AFTER it’s been release is a stupid idea.

You need to understand what your fans want from you treacle. All they want me to do is to stand on stage, not move and wear black. All they want from you is for you to dance. They’re not too bothered if you mime, we’re all used to it. But dancing is your thing and I’m afraid flicking your hair back doesn’t constitute dancing.

Hope this has been helpful,

Love,

#1 recording artist and general superstar, Adele.

Ps. I’ve always found eating lots of pies helps.