The inevitable stages of your pre drinks playlist

The preparations have been made for you to host pre-drinks at your flat, beer pong is being set up in the hall and a pack of cards is being shuffled in anticipation for ring of fire – but perhaps the most essential part of any pre drinks is the music. 

Your mate goes to unchain his top of the range JVC speakers and get the sound system set up. The aux cable is passed around like a venomous snake – whoever gets it will either be able to tame the little bugger or will fall apart and die a painful death if their DJ skills are below par.  Your mate Joe pipes up, “Maz should have the cable..she’s got Spotify.” A look of horror sweeps across your face as your Iphone is snatched off you and plugged in. You’re about to be judged by harsher critics than they have on NME, and you know it.

Old School Anthems

You start off with a few old school anthems to get everyone on your side, but don’t roll out the big guns yet – it’s crucial you wait until everyone’s here to appreciate your talent as a first class DJ when you put on Take On Me by A-ha. 

You start with the safe bet – Calvin Harris, to get everyone in the mood to party.

The calm before the storm

As people start arriving, you suddenly get the paranoia. What if people don’t like Macklemore? What if they’re all whispering behind my back “Maz is a shit DJ”. It’s too much to bare, and in a panicked frenzy, you put on Lethal Bizzle…

Heads slowly turn, the ground opens beneath your feet, as Fran slowly grabs the phone from your hand shaking her head, and whispers “No one likes grime you div.”

The Dad Music Stage

Fran loads up a bit of dad music to calm everyone down after Fester Skank got everyone wound up. Dexy’s Midnight Runners is the first aid kit for all musical disasters and Come on Eileen gets everyone singing along.

‘Come on Eileen’

The Dickhead takes over

It’s all going swimmingly, people are bopping along to the 80s throwback music… when some dickhead you’ve never seen before puts on Meghan Trainor’s Marvin Gaye. The reaction is worse than when Lethal Bizzle came on. Gasps and shouts envelop the room. What in God’s name do you think you’re doing, Timothy?

The Stimulant

It’s that point in the evening, an hour before the taxis arrive, and your mate Georgia has already chundered twice. She’s currently lying on the sofa passed out, mouth open like a dead warthog…until you put on “Renegade Master”. She suddenly rolls off the sofa and starts dancing around like Michael Jackson after a tube of blue smarties. Has Friend Within brought Georgia back to life?

Too drunk to care

The Flat Knob Tells You To Turn The Music Down

Just as everyone’s getting back into the groove of things, there’s suddenly silence.

The goblin that lives in Room 9 has angrily unplugged the speakers and tells you to keep the noise down as they’ve got a chess tournament tomorrow. There’s an audible sigh around the room as he walks out. Everyone shakes their heads at such killjoy behaviour.

You snatch your phone back and put on a ready made playlist, praying to God that nobody else touches your music until the taxis come.

The Ending

The end of the pre drinks is drawing closer, and you and your friends have all had a few bevs. Suddenly you realise that if you want to showcase your embarrassing playlists from circa 2011 then now is the time to do so without judgement.

Your mate Cian pipes up with his own rendition of Hey Jude!  It sounds bloody awful but everyone’s too smashed on dirty pints and Hammer’s cider to care.

It’s only when you wake up in the morning that you wonder why you were listening to Basshunter for the last half hour of pres. At the time you’re sure it felt like a great idea, but the Snapchat stories are coming back to haunt you, and you swear to yourself that next week somebody else is taking the DJ role.