Things you’ll recognise if you grew up in Cheshire

Cheshire: The land of WAGs, Range Rovers and “Real Housewives”. If you grew up in the golden triangle, here are a few things you will recognise.

• We all just say we’re from Manchester to make us seem cool and edgy, as though we’re the long lost children of the Gallagher brothers and spend our days listening to Joy Division. In actual fact, we aren’t ‘edgy’ at all and live in McMansions on a golf course listening to James Blunt.

• Your parents either drove a Mercedes, a BMW or a Range Rover with a personalised registration which they couldn’t drive properly. Any other make of vehicle, and the other kids took pity on you for coming from a background filled with poverty. 

Yeah, just park it where you like mate.

• In London, the saying goes that you’re never more than six feet away from a rat. Well, in Cheshire, you’re never more than six feet away from a premier league footballer. You can’t go out for a meal without bumping into Juan Mata, or putting the world to rights with Wayne Rooney in Alderley Edge Co-op.
• It was surprisingly exciting that a character in Fresh Meat was nicknamed “Knutsford”. It kind of makes us feel special. As did the reality TV show “The Real Housewives of Cheshire”…even though the producers should really visit Crewe where the real housewives of Cheshire live.

  How will I know it’s my car unless I have a personalised reg?!

• Your MP was probably some high-ranking member of the Conservative party and it was quite exciting when you saw them out and about in your village.
• In Cheshire, going to “The Park” as a child didn’t mean going to a fun playground like all the kids did. Oh no. Going to the Park usually involved going on a miniature expedition around Tatton Park with all the deer and sheep poo.

Am I lying in sheep shit?

• Knutsford Fairground is the most anticipated event of the year…until you get there and realise it’s brought all the ruffians in from the dodgier areas of South Manchester…
• Your first alcoholic drink was probably champagne, unless you’re from the dodgy side, in which case it will have been prosecco, or unless you’re from the really dodgy area and it will have been Waitrose “Triple Distilled” Vodka. 

  Raided the fathers cellar for pre-drinks

• Abersoch is basically Cheshire-on-sea. Everybody spends the holidays there – it’s like Marbella with less sun and more Welsh people.
• And on that note, Cheshire’s really just Essex’s cooler older brother with less fake tan and more posh people…
• Regardless of your annual income, race, gender or sexuality, the biggest divide in Cheshire is whether you support Manchester United (the majority of nice people), Man City (the cocky ones) or if you’re a real unconventional one, Liverpool.