There’s nothing wrong with going for cocktails

Cocktails are the gateway drug to fun for girls who don’t do drugs and can’t handle more than two vodka diet cokes. Some people may hate them and that’s their loss. We don’t need pint-swilling amateurs ruining them for us anyway, thank you very much.

Cocktails are the ‘Ultimate Plan’ for a night

“Going for cocktails”. What does that even mean? Does that entail dinner? Are we going to a ‘Spoons happy hour? Are we going to a fancy, £15 a pop bar? Are they pres or the main event? Can I wear heels? Who knows. Will we get McDonald’s afterwards? Absolutely. And that’s the beauty of the ominous word cocktails. They’re fun and spontaneous. Who knows where the night will take us?

Cocktails don’t taste like spirits, so you don’t even notice how much you’re drinking

Who can raise their hand to their heart, swear on the Bible and say “I enjoy the taste of vodka, especially when it’s coming back up again into a bin”? No-one, because everyone knows the only reason they’re drinking it is to get as mondo wasted as possible. So why not drink the alcohol to get drunk, but make it taste nice, with some artisan mixers and berries? It just makes sense.

Out of it, mate

Cocktails make you feel classy and ~sophisticated~

Boys, invite a girl on a date to a pub and she’ll be hesitant. Invite her on a “cocktail date” and she’ll say yes immediately. Cocktails make us feel classy and like we have our shit together.

This one tasted like melted sorbet and I was elated

Cocktails aren’t even expensive, you tight fucks

If you’re necking jägerbombs and shots all night, that shit adds up. But if you’re buying £12 cocktails, you only drink two or three. Most places now do pitchers or those stupid “teapot cocktails” too. If you split the bill, cocktails really aren’t much more than your average alcoholic beverage.

Maybe when you pair them with dinner, though

Cocktails are the portal to great Instagram posts

#cocktailswiththegirls #theshard #beautview #cosmo #SATC #besties

Notice how the cocktail in the background elevates the pic from 20 to 50 likes

Cocktails get you to that beautiful level of tipsy without making you a messy hoe

Good cocktails actually, contrary to popular belief, do contain a lot of alcohol: it’s just better disguised. Personally, I’ve been absolutely off my titties, 20-shots-deep from just four good quality cocktails. However the beauty of cocktails is that you won’t be ringing your ex crying down the phone, or trying to shag your mate’s boyfriend. Instead, you’ll get to that lovely, warm stage of tipsiness and stay there, as long as you continue to drink just one cocktail an hour. The Cocktail Feeling is like the good stage of taking MDMA, except with less sweating and cramping, and better photo opps.

You’ll never look like this on cocktails alone

So there, keep your warm, tasting-of-piss in a dank pub pint, I’ll take a frozen daiquiri or crisp cosmo with a city view over that any day.