The different types of lovers you’ll find on campus

Term has just begun and the SU is rife with fresh meat who are looking to lose their uni V card to the special someone they saw dancing to Levels through the haze of blue VK and Union Store wine. For some, their one-night dalliance will bloom into a much more serious relationship, for others it will be just another notch in the bedpost. Here’s a rundown of all the different types of lovers you’ll find on campus this year.

The walk-of-shamer

They’re the person in your flat who is always waltzing home at the butt-crack of dawn with a grin on their face which could only be the result of sexy time. But they can never really seal the deal and go the distance with a relationship. They’re usually found struggling over which flavour VK to buy, because even that is too much of a commitment.

On a 50 shades kind of vibe

The whipped

They’re completely under the thumb, often found traipsing around the SU following their significant other for little or no reward, a breed of lover all too often left out in the cold.

He’s just not that into you

The LDR

We all know the long-distance relationship probably won’t last, but who are we to stop young love? In all honesty a few years after uni you’ll wish you jibbed off your 1 tru <3 and saved your energy on all the drunken arguments (via iMessage).

Textual healing won’t even help you

The LDR who conveniently forgets said relationship after a couple of double vodbulls

Usually known by everyone as the Facebook couples. On tagged photos, long distance seems to be working perfectly, but behind the scenes, after a bev or two, club necking commences. Cut your losses, kids.

How you doin?

The fuckbuddies

You know it, we know it, they know it. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife, but they say they’re “just mates”. Warning – feelings will eventually be thrown about, as will the contents of an alcoholic beverage when one party decides to move on to pastures new.

Bae since day

The one who doesn’t know his penis has multiple functions

The asexual friendzone-ee. Forget the Durex, Netflix and Chill genuinely is just a night in of popcorn and Orange is the New Black to this guy.

A cuppa is all this fella needs for a good time

The lying boaster

He has a grotesque name on Instagram like $LadyKillah$ and he loves a snapback, but what he’s not telling you? The closest thing he’s got to coitus is a date with his number one bae, Mr Hand.

Subtle

The one who’s securely in the closet

He’s so far in the closet Mr Tumnus just invited him in for a cheeky nightcap in Narnia.

He’s just a little bit Brokeback