The different types of lovers you’ll find on campus
Everyone’s at it
Term has just begun and the SU is rife with fresh meat who are looking to lose their uni V card to the special someone they saw dancing to Levels through the haze of blue VK and Union Store wine. For some, their one-night dalliance will bloom into a much more serious relationship, for others it will be just another notch in the bedpost. Here’s a rundown of all the different types of lovers you’ll find on campus this year.
They’re the person in your flat who is always waltzing home at the butt-crack of dawn with a grin on their face which could only be the result of sexy time. But they can never really seal the deal and go the distance with a relationship. They’re usually found struggling over which flavour VK to buy, because even that is too much of a commitment.
They’re completely under the thumb, often found traipsing around the SU following their significant other for little or no reward, a breed of lover all too often left out in the cold.
We all know the long-distance relationship probably won’t last, but who are we to stop young love? In all honesty a few years after uni you’ll wish you jibbed off your 1 tru <3 and saved your energy on all the drunken arguments (via iMessage).
The LDR who conveniently forgets said relationship after a couple of double vodbulls
Usually known by everyone as the Facebook couples. On tagged photos, long distance seems to be working perfectly, but behind the scenes, after a bev or two, club necking commences. Cut your losses, kids.
You know it, we know it, they know it. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife, but they say they’re “just mates”. Warning – feelings will eventually be thrown about, as will the contents of an alcoholic beverage when one party decides to move on to pastures new.
The one who doesn’t know his penis has multiple functions
The asexual friendzone-ee. Forget the Durex, Netflix and Chill genuinely is just a night in of popcorn and Orange is the New Black to this guy.
The lying boaster
He has a grotesque name on Instagram like $LadyKillah$ and he loves a snapback, but what he’s not telling you? The closest thing he’s got to coitus is a date with his number one bae, Mr Hand.
The one who’s securely in the closet
He’s so far in the closet Mr Tumnus just invited him in for a cheeky nightcap in Narnia.