Is Guildford the most boring home town ever?

Yes, yes it is

Guildford is great.

Actually, let me try that again. Guildford is great if you’re rich and old. If you’re a student, or simply under the age of 30, you can pretty much rule out anything interesting happening ever.

Welcome to boredom

Welcome to boredom

If Guildford was a newspaper, it would be the Times. Well-meaning, but incredibly dull and still believes we have an empire.

Once you strip back the appearance of personality that comes with obnoxious wealth, the majority of Guildfordians are pretty bloody dull.

The RGS/GHS/Tormead elite that flock to Exeter during term time are some of the most garden variety boring poshos in the world.

The High Street is essentially quite nice albeit swamped with mediocre chain stores and the same four Italian restaurants that are in every single British town.

But beyond the Friary towards the train station, it all goes a bit to shit.

What is basically a large roundabout, forms potentially the worst clubbing scene in the world.

Potentially the worst club in the world

Potentially the worst club in the world

You’ll come back from much better nights out at uni and be well up for an MNG, until you remember that Casino costs like £9 and Dappy’s probably gonna be there.

You’ll also have to deal with all the hometown chavs that you went to uni to avoid, or in the case of PopWorld, every horny hen-do in the Home Counties.

typical saturday night in guildford

Exhibit A

And when you finish your mediocre night of fun, you have a grand total of two takeaways to pick from, that are both called Nuro, charge £6 for a kebab, and shut at 2am.

average as fuck

average as fuck

You’ll then pay about £17 for a five minute cab journey that will drop you off at your peaceful suburban house, where everyone will have been asleep for hours.

Hardly the Great British Night out.

And should you want to sack off the clubs for a quiet night at the pub, you can expect to pay a minimum of £4 for the same generic lager you get at uni, but served with a free helping of boring pretension.

Two pints and change from a tenner in Guildford

Two pints and change from a tenner in Guildford

Should you dare attempt to make it into town on a Saturday to peruse the huge Primani, you will be met by the Woking hordes, who have saved up enough for the train ticket to civilisation and manage to clog up the entire high street.

Guildford is perfect for middle class families, but should you have a pulse, you are gonna be bored as fuck and out of money in half an hour.

But at least we’re not Swansea.

The Tab is running a competition to find the worst hometown in Britain. At the end, we will hold a poll to vote. To submit yours, email [email protected]