Where’s the best poo spot on campus

Picture the scene. You’re half way through your long day of lectures when your insides decide to sneak up on you. Then you’re faced with the dilemma: Ditch your mates to sneak off home, or do your business right here in uni.

You decide home is too far to treck, and besides, you might end up shitting yourself before you even get there resulting in an embarassing student e-poo-demic.

So you finally accept your fate knowing you’ll have to take a sneaky break for the toilets.

But which loo do you choose? Do you go for convenience, opting to use a toilet closeby though it’s known for attracting a high number of other clients, or do you venture out of your way to find a freezing cold hovel where you know nobody else will dare to go?

Well, we’ve picked out the best and worst number 2 spots on campus, so that in your hour of need, you’ll never have to think twice again. You’ll thank us later!

Student’s Union: Men’s Ground Floor

One of the most central toilets on campus inside the SU building, it’s bound to be a popular plopper. Slightly cold through the winter months, though it has a number of cubicles to choose from. Being right next to Habita, once people have had a few drinks down them you’ll likely see repeat offenders.

Comfort: 3
Chance of a clean get-away: 1
Overall: 2

Ellison Building: Floor 1

Having been recently re-fitted, these loos have all the comfort your backside has ever hoped for. It’s warm and clean, but being next to the building’s main entrance, you’ll likely bump into someone. Just hide away in a corner cubicle and nobody will even know you’re there.

Comfort: 5
Chance of a clean get-away: 3
Overall: 4

Squires Building: Ground Floor (by the lifts)

Anyone who uses Squires will have no doubt used these toilets for a quick tinkle. They’re convenient and roomy; so much so that you could literally swing a cat in there. However, you’ll feel like you’re pooing against the clock, because the know that it’s just a matter of minutes until someone tries the door handle and makes you shit yourself again.

Comfort: 5
Chance of a clean get-away: 2
Overall: 3.5

Northumberland Building: Floor 4 Gender Neutral

Here at Tab Northumbria we’re in full support of gender neutral toilets. Because of its positioning, people wouldn’t normally use these loos unless they have a class nearby, so you’ll see less traffic in and out. It also has shower cubicles built in, so if anyone’s in there showering, it should block out the sound of you doing your business – Bonus!

Comfort: 4
Chance of a clean get-away: 4.5
Overall: 4

Library: Floor 1

Everyone’s used them. They serve people on the network of computers across the first floor, and definitely aren’t the biggest around (the smell will linger). Convenient if you’re cramming away on deadline day, but if you’re calling in for a casual #2, look elsewhere as there will likely be someone already in. Plus you’ll be greeted with lots of wandering faces who saw you go in there and not emerge for a good ten minutes.

Comfort: 2
Chance of a clean get-away: 1
Overall: 1.5

City Campus East: Ground Floor

With a Takeshi’s castle style entrance to these loos, you’ve already won if you find the right door to go through. It’s warm and clean, and with other toilets also on the ground floor, it spreads the wafts of people passing through. Cubicles aren’t the biggest around, but if you’re in CCE, these are the loos to poo in.

Comfort: 4
Chance of a clean get-away: 2
Overall: 3

Lipman Building: Ground Floor

Avoid at all costs! It’s always got people going in and out, and with only one cubicle for the guys, and limited spots available for the girls, people will know exactly what you’re doing in there. They’re cold, cramped, and they all stink of cheap lemon spray.

Comfort:1
Chance of a clean get-away:1
Overall: 1

Squires Photography Studio: Floor 1

A hidden gem for those who aren’t Photography students. They’re set back behind a set of double-doors along the life-saving indoor walkway that takes you between Squires and Lipman. It’s usually quiet, and there’s plenty of cubicles to take your pick from. And if somebody does venture in while you’re sat on the loo, it’ll probably just be to check out their reflection in the mirror.

Comfort: 4
Chance of a clean get-away:5
Overall: 4.5

There we have it. The best and worst of the loos Northumbria can offer you. Choose wisely.