When your motivation is starting to take a nosedive towards the end of a long stint in the UCL Main Library, you can be sure that a quick scan of the desk you are sitting at will offer words of wisdom and encouragement from UCL students both past and present.

The Inspirational

This skeleton is rooting for you, exclaiming “I BELIEVE IN U! U CAN DO IT”. While his heart-graphic tee is cute, a darker meaning might lurk beneath the surface of this cadaverous cheerleader; it looks like he could have met his end during an extended library study sesh. Gulp.

Surrounded by what looks like at least ten years’ worth of comical alliterative efforts, a much-lauded and worn away piece of poetry still clings to existence: “Another dawn / Another day / Another not-done essay … I’ve had three weeks to do it and now I’m c**ted”. Critical receptions to the piece are heart-warming: “Heartfelt piece of poetry…”, “Beautiful…” and “Nice!”.

The Philosophical

Time to crank the existential angst all the way up to eleven with the spine-chilling maxim “I am lonely, everyone in the library is”. Christ, what happened to the cheerful skeletons and cute poetry?!

A partially-hidden admission that is lent a particular philosophical sagacity by the author’s use of a very finite full stop.

The Scientific

This one reads “THE WORLD IS FLAT”, to which a friendly neighbourhood geek has replied “What about spatiality of power?”. Runner-up replies included “Your face is flat” and “Your chest is flat”. Original.

You know what medical experts say: a dick a day helps you work, rest, and play. Or was it a Mars bar?

The Risqué

Apparently UCL students are quite choosy when it comes to their sexual partners. Expect to see this completely reliable data in the next London Tab Sex survey.

A stunning vintage from 2002 with citrus notes. Enjoy in extreme moderation (i.e. NEVER).

Another witty addendum in reply to what is certainly an affirmation of library danger-wank rumours.

and finally…

The Encouragingly Abusive

You’re hyperventilating over the amount of revision you have yet to start, frantically flicking through your feeble attempts at lecture notes, and having a mild stroke due to an excess of caffeine and taurine. “I’m dropping out of uni! It’s too late for me!”, you cry. You look up and this work of genius stares you dead in the eye and says:

“NEVER TOO LATE, c**t boy”.