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‘Dear Housemate’: Your Liverpool confessions revealed

These are juicier than Tuesday nights at The Shipping Forecast

When we started uni living with mates seemed amazing, escaping the boredom (and constant nagging to clean your room) of home. However, we soon realised our friends can do so many things that bewilder and piss us off, which is why we asked you to submit your most outrageous confessions. And boy, you did not disappoint.

Dear Housemate…

"In first year you were the most annoying person to live with, as you constantly left the kitchen in an absolute state. We came home from a night-out and pissed in your saucepan as revenge."

"You cannot use each other’s socks to wipe your asses after poos. You especially cannot leave said socks in the bathroom instead of throwing them out like a normal, rational human being."


"Cheers for using my electric razor without asking as it was an “emergency”, turns out you used the pube one instead of the beard one."

"Taking Xanax everyday is making you forget…that is your washing up, that isn’t your food, you DO slam the door and yes you were passed out on the sofa for approx. 12 hrs."

"I'd prefer it if you kept your early morning death threats to our other housemates after a night-out to a minimum, if that's okay with you."

"We are getting fruit flies around all because of your snail."

"Seeing you wash your undies in our kitchen sink was baffling at the time, but at least it's provided me an embarrassing story to tell about you even a year on."

"When you kicked off over nothing and moved out in a strop my mate farted in the box you packed all your toiletries in, including your toothbrush."

"Stop leaving your ejaculate on the toilet seat."

"Just because the fridge is communal, doesn't mean that the contents of the fridge are."

"I'm sorry I lit a piece of paper under the fire alarm to set it off when I freaked out about you smoking in our kitchen."

"I swear you have every single fork we own in your room. We've plenty of every other type of cutlery, major fork shortage though!"

Least they're better than Circuit

"After I returned from Australia, a journey that took 38 hours door-to-door, and since I asked you three times in the previous week not to have anyone over and keep it quiet, having four of your mates round, drinking, screaming and playing music made me so peeved. I still haven't quite forgiven you."

"After I shook things up and moved in with a different group of people in third year from second year, I got stressed over deadlines and sorta isolated myself. Anyway, you, one of my housemates from second year, spotted me in the Guild and had a full blown hysteric scream in front of a load of lads watching football and a society meeting. You later unfriended me on Facebook. A month or so after this, you text, saying you've no idea what they did wrong, and can we be friends. You embarrassed me publicly, mate? Things ain't gon' be the way they were."

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A rare sight: watching you take the bins out

"I’m sorry I washed your iPhone, but next time don’t throw up all over yourself and we won’t have to wash your jacket."

"You were a total drama queen, always moaning about something, whether it be family (who seemed pretty bloody decent) and your love life. Myself and our other housemates were always shoulders to cry on, as you whined for hours into the night: "life's so unfair" "guess who's a rotten shag?" etc.

"Whenever we had any problems to talk about though? A request to cry on your shoulder was always met with a prompt dismissal."

Don't invite us to your 'revision zone' again

"You are notoriously hard to make plans with. I text you often, asking if you wanna go for food, coffee, to see a play; I always get 'busy' or 'at work' three hours later. You're basically as flaky as Eduroam's connection."

"The thing you thought was a fashionable jewellery holder is actually my butt plug."

"I've been using your shampoo all year, I haven't bought shampoo for myself at all, weird I know, but what's weirder is the bottle has never gotten empty. Like, do you not wash your hair??"

"From halls last year, stop stealing all my things, biting into my cheese, and sticking your fingers in my birthday cake and then telling everyone I've done it myself, thanks."

"Not so much a housemate grievance, but neighbours, your weed seeps through the walls and why do you play music with the bass amped up between 8 and 10am? Always wakes me up though, which is sometimes a good thing."

"5.24pm is not too early to play my music a bit louder than I usually do. Stop being middle-aged and boring. Much luv, from your evidently cooler housemate."

"Zach. If you know you know."

Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.