All the stereotypes you’ll encounter at a Smithdown house party
You’ll regret adding half these people to the event
Although second year may seem frightening when you're a fresher, there are many positives to renting a home (aka hellhole) with your mates; no RAs to shutdown the music, losing the feeling of being a prisoner in your halls room and of course, the resurgence of the house party. Things may have cranked up a notch since you were 15 and necking Smirnoff Ices however, as you'll be meeting these characters that you'd have never really encountered in Year 10.
The one on the pull
Just because they're not in Heebies doesn't mean they're gonna give tonsil tennis a break; this guest will be on the prowl as soon as they pass through the front door, hunting for their next target. Watch them trying to sneak into every bedroom for a bit more privacy, even though they literally only live the other end of Langdale Road.
Bringing the Baltic Triangle to Borrowdale, this party-goer is fucked off their face from the moment they arrive. You'll notice them mysteriously disappear and reappear with more mysterious substances at the midpoint of your sesh. You can only hope the neighbours didn't spot that one happening.
The fag stealer
Just like the typical beggar outside Juicy who 'doesn't know anywhere that sells cigarettes at this time', except you may vaguely recognise them as who your housemate used to hang out with in first year. You'll think it's chill when you're just giving them one, but then they ask for another, and another…just tell them Tesco Express is down the road, okay?
The stressed host
After meticulously planning the event on Facebook, they're constantly on edge, chugging wine to rid them of their nerves as they realise they didn't hide their plates and that their hockey mates are showing up much later than planned. Please, just don't say anything potentially aggravating to them, as you'll defo be kicked out before it's even turned midnight.
The owner of the Spotify account and speakers, this person has perfectly planned a playlist for the entire expected duration, and has even thrown in a couple of cheesy tunes (against their will) to appease everyone's tastes.
The wannabe DJ
When the DJ is outside or in the bathroom, watch them swoop in, acting as if they're the hard man even though all they did was add Wonderwall next. Thank goodness it's not their house or they'd be on the guitar too.
The one nobody knows
Is it Luke's coursemate? Beth's friend from home? The guy Izzy shagged after The Raz? Who knows, but they're somehow acting as if they're a BNOS (big name on Smithdown). Once the fun has ended, the quest to find out what their name even was will begin.
The one who breaks everything
You better watch that mug your boyfriend bought you – or just everything that's in your kitchen and living area – as it's gonna be in smithereens come morning. You'll just have to accept there's gonna be no way your hungover ass can explain this to the landlord.
The grumpy one
Common features include asking for the wifi password, nudging their mate saying they need to get back soon (it's Saturday, wtf?) and not even being remotely happy when Mr Brightside plays. At least you know to add them to the blacklist for your next event.
The takeaway queen
Just because they're nowhere near Nabzy's doesn't mean they won't be wolfing down a pepperoni pizza in the early hours. I mean, they do need something to aid their recovery from having the dirty pint in ring of fire. Make sure you're nearby when they order on JustEat, as they'll be sent in a panic if they have nobody to ask for your address.
The passed-out person
Just let them stay slumped on your sofa and deal with it the following day.