A girl’s guide on how to pull your lecturer

Oh Professor, I’ve been a bad girl


Whether it’s the sultry way he says “I’ll see you in the seminar…” at the end of lectures or his masculine strut up and down the theatre as he talks you through “consumer preferences”, we all have a lecturer that gets us a little hot under the collar. In five easy steps, you can now fulfil your ultimate student fantasy and finally pull your lecturer.

Step one: get the look

The real problem is that in a lecture theatre of 300 students, it isn’t easy to stand out. The competition is fierce so you’ve got to nail “the look” before you get lost in the crowd. For makeup try a Candice from GBBO inspired bold-lip. Something striking and dramatic. Something that screams teach me a lesson. As far as clothes are concerned, aim for Emma Watson. I’m talking smart and sultry. Conservative but sexually available.

Pucker up

Pucker up

Step two: attention whore

Swot it up. Never miss a deadline and always do your homework. If you get to the point where he relies on your answers in seminars because nobody else has done the work, you’re golden. Snatch a central spot in lectures, but don’t sit at the very front, because you’ve got to play a little hard to get. Also, start sending lots of emails. The more he sees your name, the more you’ll stand out. When you’re on a first name basis, it means you’ve levelled the playing field. Not long now until you start earning that extra credit you know he’s dying to give you.

Grab a seat front and center

Grab a seat front and centre

Step three: damsel in distress

Now try opening up. Maybe have a little weep about how your vast academic pursuits are all getting on top of you (but in a sexy way). Maybe look a little tired, but try not to look like you’ve been at the Raz all night. You want him to think you stayed awake all night reading Moby Dick because it was just a real page turner. Also bump up the emails again. Confirm lectures, check homework, ask for further reading. Any and every excuse to message bae. Bring on the Britney school girl fantasy.

email no.376

Email no.376

Step four: first dates

Here’s the big one. Book a meeting to talk about an essay or something. On your way, grab two identical coffees and when you get there, explain the fiasco in Costa that ended up with you getting a free one. Give it to him and BAM, you’re on a coffee date.

two skinny-mocha-choca-gingerbread-glitter-chinos please my good sir

Two skinny-mocha-choca-gingerbread-glitter-chinos please my good sir (Photo credit: Sara Tareen)

Step five: a night at the theatre
Find an extracurricular event that you know he’ll be attending. Maybe a Brexit debate or the third years’ music performance finals. Get there a little early and grab a seat next to him and bada-bing-bada-boom – a night at the theatre. Things are finally getting serious.

Leave a sordid note on his seat during the interval

Leave a sordid note on his seat during the interval

And if you accidentally find his personal email on LinkedIn, or stumble across his Facebook, or just so happen to drop him a lusty message at 4am after a night in Heebies, who cares. Let your new relationship blossom, because finally after all those one-on-one study tutorials you understand the maths: you + him = forever.