Girly drinks are not just for girls

Why can’t I drink my cosmo in peace?

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I’m a rebel in Level.

Society has always demanded that men drink beer, whiskey, bourbon or anything that you have to force yourself to drink until it finally stops tasting rancid. Don’t lie – you didn’t enjoy your first taste of ale. Women, on the other hand, can drink whatever they choose. Wine, champagne, cocktails, spirits, even beer – you name it, a girl can drink it.

At what point in history did man first have to prove his masculinity by making a conscious choice to make his life less pleasurable by drinking beer? Was some poor cave man conned into eating the balls of the woolly mammoth because a cave woman wanted the last nice bit of leg? “You’ll be more masculine and I’ll probably be more attracted to you if you eat those balls”. Fuck you cave woman, the consequences of your actions have had horrible effects upon man for the next 3000 years and counting.

It’s not that men don’t enjoy beer in the end – for most it eventually becomes their drink of choice. But that’s a result of many years of torturing and dulling their taste buds into submission. If you were to drink piss for long enough you’d eventually lose awareness of the horrendous taste, and develop quite a sophisticated guess of what the had been eaten the day before. At least urine has only been stewing in its own bacteria for 24 hours, and not 6 months.

Anyway, aside from woolly mammoths’ balls and developing a taste for wee, the gender boundaries created by alcoholic drinks are both strange and unnecessary.

If you pop into Revs and order a strawberry mojito, the bartender will laugh. But why? Everyone fucking loves strawberries, why does the fact that you have male genitalia mean you have to pretend otherwise? Just make the man a strawberry woowoo without a side of judgement so  he can enjoy it in shameless peace.

No thanks. I prefer yeast.

Every human over 30 has had to force themselves to tolerate wine, and a clear logical step on the path of forcing yourself to enjoy it is to start off with the wine you find least vomit inducing. If you are male, never admit to this being rosé, or that too, will be met with ridicule.

Why is the thought of a man drinking rosé laugh out loud funny? It makes zero sense. Is it better if you drink it out of a pint glass? Absolutely not. The only thing worse then a man drinking rosé is someone not conforming to societies expectation of glass shapes. Just accept getting drunk out of a mug is acceptable and move on with your day.

Drinking like a man

We’re all guilty of mocking our mates for ordering VKs, but isn’t this all getting in the way of complete and equal gender freedom?

The thing is, whatever anyone chooses to drink before they stumble out onto Seel Street is categorically not funny – water, sex-on-the-beach or Newcastle Brown ale. The fact that people use male drink stereotypes as humour, shows how deeply ingrained gender roles run in our society.

Let’s free the drink choice for all, break down gender boundaries. Order a peach daiquiri. Sip your woo-woos with pride. Ask for that extra umbrella. Society cannot be outsmarted by a 3000-year-old cave woman who didn’t like balls.