From the worst policies to the best posters: Here are The Tab Guild Elections Awards 2015
Featuring further discussion on the free bike scheme
After a week of general apathy from the majority of students, Harry Anderson reclaimed his Presidential Palace at 160 Mount Pleasant.
Joined by Emma Sims, Alex Ferguson and Rosie O’Donnell, who count for the remaining positions, hopefully this will be a stellar year for the Guild.
But success isn’t the only form of achievement, and so it feels necessary for The Tab to offer this year’s candidates an alternative form of success with a shorter, less tedious ceremony.
About as fulfilling as getting the shits instead of best album at the Brits, here are the Election Tabbies.
Best Campaign Slogan – Emma Sims
There were a few candidates in this category. Will Harding’s “Where there’s a Will there’s a way” perfected cliche, while “In ROD we trust” added a sprinkle of smut.
But first prize has to go to Emma Sims for #TheSims2, although there were some other worthy candidates.
Best poster – Alex Ferguson
The poster game was on point this year, with Alex Bjerkholt drawing on primary school wall display chic for added attention .
However, first prize has to go to Alex Ferguson’s album launch poster, looking like the rhythm guitarist in an average but lovable band The Weeping Sweaters, describing their music as “sincere post-twee” or something.
Least invasive campaign – Probably Sadiq Haruna
A brief look at YikYak, or even an attempt to enter the Sydney Jones undisturbed, proved a real challenge. While this year students seemed more evasive and less aggressive in their reactions, it was rather annoying not being able to move around campus, or even halls, without being constantly harassed.
We will vote when we care and want to. As a result, this award goes to Hayfa Ali, XinXin Cao, Sadiq Haruna, Isaac Lual and anyone else whose minions didn’t take up an all hours posting on campus. Thank you.
Best banner placement – Will Harding
This banner blocked off a main thoroughfare in an attempt to close line any unwary cyclists, then offer them a hand up, smiling while feigning innocence, asking them if they were going to vote for him. Sneaky.
Sneakiest piece of canvassing – Alex Bjerkholt
There were many attempts to win our hearts and steal our votes. Handing out sweets was a formality. But first prize here has to be Alex Bjerkholt for this suave attempt at winning the vote of fresher Liam.
Liam said: “I went to walk through one of the double doors in the Guild. Alex Bjerkholt came through the other way and he held the door open for me.
“I thought he was just being nice, but then he started walking next to me and asking if I’d voted in the election, and tried to get me to vote for him. I just thought, you sneaky fucker.”
Fair play Alex, nice try.
Best campaign video – Alex Ferguson
Some of the 30 second shorts on the Guild YouTube channel are worth a gander, with XinXin Cao putting in a genuinely magnetising performance.
But this category can only be won by Alex Ferguson, bringing out his inner Troy McClure with this gem. Judge for yourselves, but the initial long shot is a masterful piece of Cameron-esque filming, worthy of the Hollywood greats. Meanwhile, Fergie’s anchoring performance demonstrates the choreographed efficiency capable of both his namesakes.
Late Entry – Sam and Prachet
You had no policies and one flyer, but that doesn’t matter: your “vibez” were all we wanted. Your joint presidency would have raised us up, too.
It wasn’t to be, but please come forward, raise your banners and challenge the current SRO team to a tag team winner takes all. You were the best candidates, but there was no voting box you could fit into. Grow some and enter next year, please.
Quote of the Campaign – ROD
Rosie O’Donnell and her gang of red shirts demonstrated their close control over campaign aesthetics when asking “can we choose the filter?”.
More controversially, Ferguson said how last year’s campaign had taught the best way of getting people to vote was to “annoy them”, and asked whether or not we believed the campaign tactics to be harassing in any way. He clearly knows what students think.
First Prize Horseshit Policy – Grace Edwards and the Free Bike Scheme
How this could be implemented successfully was beyond anyone who followed the election. In a city already running a similar scheme, this demonstrates the general limit in thinking, which is still restricting the environmentalist movement.
Of course a dislike for Bradley Wiggins may be affecting judgement here, or maybe we’re worried Will Harding would start placing banners everywhere simply to continue his vendetta against cyclists.
Controversy – The Notorious T.A.B
Complaints from the Garnault team over smear campaign in The Tab’s coverage of the election provided the drama of the week. When asked to respond, the co-editor declared “we smeared everyone”.