5 ways to steal a computer in the library

Unless you get up at the crack of dawn and spend £15 before 9:00 am on 7 cups of coffee to keep you going before lunch, you will just never find a computer in the library.

You spend the first two hours of your day trawling up and down the stairs of the Sydney Jones, fighting the urge to pass out from dehydration, heat stroke and hyperthermia, just to find that not even the shitty computers with no chairs and broken keyboards are free. Here’s our advice on how to steal a computer in the library…

Let’s take this in order of severity:

1. You’re not desperate but you just can’t be arsed to wait around- Just be a bitch.

It’s exam time, the survival of the fittest, you may not be on the verge of breaking down because your exam is tomorrow and you can’t even remember the title of the module, but its too hot and too busy and you just can’t be boshed to be polite.

Sabotage is the key, and as long as you keep it on the DL, they’ll never know it was you. Seek out the first person to leave their computer vacant and just pounce. Throw their shit out the way, log them off, get your belongings in order and hide. By the time they return they’ll be so disorientated from the mental deterioration of revision they’ll question where they are, how they got there and run home for an emergency 6 hour nap. Voila, get comfy, chill out, max and relax.

Erm, no you are mistaken, this is my incredibly intelligent essay on transcendence in Romanticism, I don’t think you were ever sitting here…

2. You’ve been wandering for a bit longer now, the heat is starting to cause severe distress and you need a computer before its visibly clear that you’re actually, physically sweating. No one wants to bump into ANYONE with a moist brow.

Call/text anyone who could have been so lucky to get a computer and find where they are. If they are a true friend they’ll help you out in your time of desperate need. Buy them the biggest bag of Kettle crisps, tuna sandwiches, and unlimited cups of coffee to slurp away at. Get them to blast Skrillex from their iPod or randomly grunt and over-enthusiastically sigh whilst slamming down pens and textbooks. Stay nearby and the poor neighbour next to them will lose the will to live and decide they’d rather fail a module than sit next this minger for any longer.

Eat as quick and as loud as possible. It’s disgusting and it works a charm

 3. You are officially losing the will to live. It’s time to take this up a notch.

Bribe the staff to let you get a hold of the tannoy and bullshit your way to success. There’s free Chesters at University Square, there’s a raccoon lose in first floor grove wing, Susan from Planned Parenthood is on the phone for Taylor Wedell. ANYTHING. Someone will fall for your bullshit, its just your job to find out WHO and WHERE they were sitting.

The ultimate kryptonite for all Liverpool students

4. Right, that’s it. It’s been 45 minutes, you’re hair is now slicked back with sweat, your bag full of anthologies and text books has caused you to walk with a hunch and a limp and you quite literally resemble the wicked witch of the west.

Time to pull your self together, fix your hair and get your sass on. It’s exam time and everybody is deprived of human contact, whether that be social or physical. Use this to your advantage and offer someone a lap dance. Find the most stressed and delusional person in the vicinity and STRADDLE THAT PIECE O’ ASS.

For each gender this can work perfectly; nobody will even notice your moral infidelity because they’re too engrossed in Sparknotes’ list of motifs for John Keats’ poetry. As they leave their chair to reach for money boot them out the way and slide on in to their space. BOOYA.

Now gimme that sweet, that nasty gooshy stuff… and your computer

Overwhelm the poor soul with another sweet bod getting involved. They’ll be gone in a heartbeat.

5. The limit has now been reached. You’re on all fours dragging your bag by your teeth, crying, shaking, trying to deal with the oncoming hyperthermia you’re developing. There is nothing left to do.

Set off the fire alarm. Although the most drastic of all your options it’s not necessarily the most effective, as no one actually gives a shit when the alarm goes off. The piercing noise just brings back tragic memories from halls when it was set off at four o’clock in the morning in the first week of freshers, and you had to meet 80% of the people you live with for the first time whilst wrapped naked in your duvet. So everyone just sits in a trance of despair until someone actually moves and the rest of the crowd follows. Just hide in the toilets for twenty minutes and bada-bing-bada-boom you have your choice of them all!

The key to all your success

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