How to write a complaint letter to The Tab

An easier way to whine!

Many readers of The Tab feel the need to go to the comment section to intellectually discuss why the post they read was not interested or engaging in a dignified and friendly manner (yeah, right). Since many people who do so struggle with using correct grammar or even spelling their own name correctly, here’s a guideline complaint letter to copy and paste. Remove the irrelevant answers and send it to us via email. It’ll keep the comment section clean, and it will be read by a member of The Tab’s brilliant team. And that’s a Tab promise*.

(*Not an actual promise)

It’ll save you the bother of writing comments this long. It happens a lot, y’know.

Dear [Sir/Madam/Bastard],

I am writing to [complain/whine/bitch/snivel] about the article you wrote on the topic of [students/lads/hipsters/politicians/art/my friend Alan], written by some proper [lad/wanker/moron/prick/cow/square/hipster/farty-breath]. I found it to be a [dreadful/abominable/irritating/time-wasting/strangely sexual] read.

The reason why I think it was terrible is because [it was poorly written/it opposes my views on the topic/I think it was poorly researched/I have no hobby or job and whining in the comments is something I do instead/there are no memes/there are too many memes/I like page three/fuck you]. I could write a better article even if you gave me [at least seven seconds to write it/seventeen bottles of vodka/a concussion].

“And I put: ‘all your articles are shit’. Ain’t I cool, ladies?

You should feel ashamed for writing such rubbish, and I will never [read your articles again/stop talking about how much The Tab is shit until you shut it down/buy your t-shirts]. I am going to write a frank and stiff letter to [The Sun/The Daily Mail/The UKIP/my Students Union].

We'll read your complaint letter when we feel the need to (that means 'never').

So go on, email us at [email protected] – we’d love to hear you rant.