‘How do I keep my flatcest a secret?’: Lancs Uni’s agony aunt solves your sex lives

With national lockdown back to being a sad reality of life, and with many of us returning home to protect our mental health, Lancs uni students are starting to struggle in more ways than one. Sexual frustration is at an all time high, and the pressure is on not just to reach essay deadlines but to put down deposits for houses next year – even if this term’s student loan has already been spent on takeaway and retail therapy.

So you’re feeling stressed out and in need of advice? Don’t worry angels, we’re all in the same boat (and we’re all painfully aware that said boat is basically just a plank of wood at this point). That’s why I’m here to help.

‘How do I keep my flatcest a secret?’

Is it ever possible to keep flatcest a secret? Sexual tension is easily sensed when everyone witnesses your stolen glances at one another over a bowl of Aldi cornflakes. I think it would be especially hard to hide during a national lockdown when you and your flatmates are forced to be on top of each other the whole time (clearly some of us took that instruction more literally than others).

But if you are utterly desperate to hide it I would recommend playing up romantic/sexual interactions which have come from an external source: show all your flatmates your new tinder matches, constantly bring up the college JCR member that you have a crush on, and make sure to mention that you can’t wait to go home for Christmas so you can see the boy you used to talk to in sixth form.

If this still doesn’t work you will have little option but to start a flatcestual relationship with another unsuspecting housemate. Solve one problem with another?

‘Everyone’s finding houses for next year and it’s stressing me out’

How many friends do you have? If next years moving plans look like the cast of Noah’s arc then now might be the time to cut a few people loose. While I’d recommend living with a few people if you can (the way Boris is going it doesn’t seem unrealistic that another national lockdown might be on the cards next year) there’s no need to live with EVERYONE you met in first year.

If there’s no more than four of you planning on living together, then finding a house should still be relatively simple, even in extremely short notice. Living in the centre of town suddenly seems much less successful when the prospect of a thriving nightlife appears dire.

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