‘How do I keep my flatcest a secret?’: Lancs Uni’s agony aunt solves your sex lives

I suppose that might be the only way to find love during a pandemic

With national lockdown back to being a sad reality of life, and with many of us returning home to protect our mental health, Lancs uni students are starting to struggle in more ways than one. Sexual frustration is at an all time high, and the pressure is on not just to reach essay deadlines but to put down deposits for houses next year – even if this term’s student loan has already been spent on takeaway and retail therapy.

So you’re feeling stressed out and in need of advice? Don’t worry angels, we’re all in the same boat (and we’re all painfully aware that said boat is basically just a plank of wood at this point). That’s why I’m here to help.

‘How do I keep my flatcest a secret?’

Is it ever possible to keep flatcest a secret? Sexual tension is easily sensed when everyone witnesses your stolen glances at one another over a bowl of Aldi cornflakes. I think it would be especially hard to hide during a national lockdown when you and your flatmates are forced to be on top of each other the whole time (clearly some of us took that instruction more literally than others).

But if you are utterly desperate to hide it I would recommend playing up romantic/sexual interactions which have come from an external source: show all your flatmates your new tinder matches, constantly bring up the college JCR member that you have a crush on, and make sure to mention that you can’t wait to go home for Christmas so you can see the boy you used to talk to in sixth form.

If this still doesn’t work you will have little option but to start a flatcestual relationship with another unsuspecting housemate. Solve one problem with another?

‘My housemates keep on going to other people’s houses and having people staying over’

Housemates? Multiple people? Where do they find them? Do they all arrive at the same time and your house suddenly looks like the set of friends? If you are not the only one in the flat that isn’t having visitors is it possible for you to stage a coup?

“It is thoughtless/unsafe and just annoying!”

I know that sounds dramatic but I find it highly unlikely that dissenting opinions will be voiced in a group setting. Once you get the other singletons in one of your bedrooms with a cup of tea in hand, their true inner feelings will soon come spilling out. Soon you will be dropping subtle hints to the offenders and organizing a flat meeting to discuss your concerns.

If you are the only one not having one night stays at other people’s houses this can be more difficult. Passive-aggression is your new best friend. The fridge is no longer a place to store food, it is a battle-planning station complete with a tally chart of all the times each flatmate has had unwelcome guests and post-it notes with angry undertones. The hallway is no longer just an average communal area – it is a “no man’s land” riddled with surveillance cameras and round the clock guards. If someone enters without permission they will be escorted from the premises.

‘Everyone’s finding houses for next year and it’s stressing me out’

How many friends do you have? If next years moving plans look like the cast of Noah’s arc then now might be the time to cut a few people loose. While I’d recommend living with a few people if you can (the way Boris is going it doesn’t seem unrealistic that another national lockdown might be on the cards next year) there’s no need to live with EVERYONE you met in first year.

If there’s no more than four of you planning on living together, then finding a house should still be relatively simple, even in extremely short notice. Living in the centre of town suddenly seems much less successful when the prospect of a thriving nightlife appears dire.

“I don’t get along with my flat and am struggling to make friends because of corona.”
Even without the setback of a national pandemic, I know plenty of people who met their flatmates for this year at a housing fare. While it might seem like a daunting prospect, a housing fare is essentially like speed dating for renters, and since we all love online dating so much, this should be a breeze. If the idea of sharing a living space with complete strangers still seems like a daunting prospect, just remember, you’ve already done it once with halls.

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