How to survive going sober for a month

Dry January? Completed it mate


For those of you half way through Dry January, gasping for a drop of that sweet sweet Tesco's own brand vodka, take hope.

Are you salivating for a Soop? Choking for a cocktail? Begging for a beer? Mad for some Dog? After somehow managing to complete Sober October, third year student Ashleigh Hanna has some tried and tested tips for going T-total.

1. Get really bloody drunk the night before

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Start off with a hang, go big the night before because that usually guarantees at least two easy dry days of hungover deterrence. Also it's probably the last decent night out you'll have in ages so go big, you deserve it.

2. Dress nice

Sounds silly, but if you're anything like me you're much ballsier on the sauce, so make sure to spend 10 extra mins on your make up so you feel as fly as you would with a couple of £1 jaeger bombs in your system. Going to places where you actually like the music helps with this too.

3. Watch and laugh at others drunkenly humiliate themselves

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Chunder alert

When your flatmate recounts that story of how "he was being such a prick and totally started on me first", you can just sit back and laugh because you know the sober truth – drunk girls are irrational psychos.

4. Give your pals all the shots boys try to buy you

This is definitely one of the biggest perks – you save an absolute fortune and everyone loves you. Sometimes people even pay for your shitty soda water and limes all night just cos they pity you.

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Happy bday bbz xxx

5. Use charity to motivate you

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Worth all the suffering

Sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is that tenner that bird from primary school you haven't spoken to in years sent you for Macmillan Cancer Support. Do it for Susan.

6. AVOID HIVE, especially Oktoberfest

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Fuck sake stop having fun

Hive is without a doubt the worst place to be sober just cos everyone else is so legless. Watch out especially for big events which will make you question why you ever thought going sober was a good idea. Who am I? Why have I done this? What is the meaning of life?

7. Team up with others

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There's safety in numbers, and you'll be needing someone to sway awkwardly beside to that shitty remix of Ignition in Sanc.

8. Find tasty non alcoholic alternatives

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Casual drinks in bars are difficult to navigate, but most of Ashton Lane has fancy tonic waters and such on offer, which is almost as good as the real thing, right?

9. Be prepared to babysit all your drunk friends

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We're all drunk friends here

Thought by 22 you'd all learned how to handle your drinks? Think again, you've just been so fucking steaming throughout uni you stopped notice what liabilities all your friends are. Be prepared to hold hair, hail taxis, and stop them picking chips and cheese out of their own vomit in the street.

10. Get drunk at midnight

I'm sure you won't need any help or convincing with this one. You've done it, not go forth and spread your drunken wings all over February. You go babe, you've earned it.