All the New Year’s Resolutions you’ve broken already in 2018

1. Don't pick up the phone

You know he's only calling cos he's drunk and alone – but you fucked it and went over there anyway didn't you? 23 days, seven of which you were still in your home town for, and you've cracked. It was class but now you're left hungover and neglected until the next time – well let's start as we mean to go on then.

2. Go to all your lectures

You had a feeling this one just wasn't quite going to happen but at least you tried. 9am on a Monday is just unspeakable even if it is your only class of the whole week. It's so cold outside and your bed is just much more appealing.

This is disgusting

3. Save money

Finishing off 2017 with a depressingly maxed out overdraft was not an experience you want to revisit, so after a bollocking from your mum and dad you've decided to budget this year. One night out and you're skint again, after swiftly discovering your debit card has a mind of its own after a few tequilas. Sorry mum, PS can you send me a tenner?

It's gonna be okay

4. Be a classy drunk

New Year's Eve saw you pissing in an alley and calling your ex crying but NO MORE. This is the year of the classy, sophisticated you who enjoys brunch, yoga and maintaining a tipsy but composed demeanour. However a combination of playing catch up, your bad influence flatmates and not a single drop of damned self control later and you're absolutely fucked.

Just such a bloody legend x

5. Give up smoking

Hahahaha, right.

6. Go to the gym

You did this one! You went that Thursday afternoon first week of January, remember? And then you gave yourself the rest of the month off cos you're still easing back in. Give yourself a pat on the back if it's not too much of a strain x

Zen xoxo

7. Eat healthily

Looking back you've eaten relatively healthy so far if you don't count hungover food, weekends or after 8pm. Only because you can't afford groceries though.

Smoothie or cocktail, you decide

8. Get a job

You've sent out a few applications but it's not your fault they just can't see your glowing potential, right? Fair enough, maybe your school CV doesn't quite reflect the fullness of your abilities but updating it is such an effort. Muuuum where's that tenner???

9. Join a new club or society

That volleyball taster session was decent but the sight of all the peppy, fresh faced freshers was too depressing. Uni's made you fat, lazy and reluctant to make new friends but the wine and cheese club sounds right up your street.

10. Make no more New Year's resolutions

Sounds like a resolution to me lol @ u.