Things you’ll only get if you’re Scottish at Glasgow uni

I’m not the first to admit that Scotland is fantastic.

Breathtaking scenery against romantically mystical grey skies, an incredibly rich history and home to quite frankly, the most cracking traffic cone on mainland Britain. Scotland has something to offer everyone, students are getting one of the best deals and in a place like Glasgow, the culture couldn’t be better. I was honored to be received by one of the top unis in the country, but the chance to integrate into such a quintessentially Scottish society was what really drove me here. I had faith that upon my arrival I would be greeted by the hullabaloo of a true Scottish community.

How wrong I was.

Everyone and their mum has been on a gap yah

I came to university as a fresh-faced 17 year-old who hadn’t seen much of the real world beyond the annual summer holiday with the fam. So naturally it’s slightly off-putting when you’re thrown head first into a world where everyone is slightly older than you and have been travelling for the past 9 months throughout the most dazzling corners of the planet; Indonesia, South America; Eastern Europe. My week away at a camp-site in Embo is starting to look a bit shit. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who took a gap year but just worked, so their experience is just as impressive as yours.

I don’t know what my friends are talking about 

I only recently noticed how many of my friends from uni are actually English. This train of thought spiraled into a sudden realization that I don’t know what they’re saying quite a lot of the time; Why is everything cheeky? How old is a Year 10? Is it bad that you know a pregnant Year 10? Are you pretending to be a posh person or are you just posh? Did you actually just use the word “snog”?

They assume I’m good at English geography

If it’s not London, Manchester or Newcastle, I don’t know it on a map.

They don’t understand the accent and that’s okay

I can’t lie and tell you the Scottish accent is a piece of cake. It’s not. It’s a shit-storm of slang, shortened words and slurring. Being in a group of friends from England is a conscious effort when it comes to conversation. Sometimes I struggle with greetings because they simply won’t understand me when I say “what like?” and I expect them to respond with “no bad yersel?” I understand their struggle, truly, but the worst way to attempt to communicate with us is by imitating the accent. I don’t need a wise-guy sociologist called Hugo shouting a “See You Jimmy” imitation in my face because I accidentally said “haud yer wheesht”.

Stop asking me if I’m related to William Wallace

Scottish popular culture and stereotypes are such easy conversation starters. Throw in a joke about sheep-shaggers and you’ve got a friend for life, right? WRONG. Here are some examples of responses I’ve had to give to clear up some misunderstandings:

• Kilts aren’t worn during a weekly shop, you’re right.
• You know haggis isn’t an animal? It’s important to me that you know that.
• Yes, it’s always this rainy.
• No, the Loch Ness Monster is not real. (TBC)
• Yes Harry, there HAS been a murder.

But we love the ones who try

However, among the naive, there are those who have embraced their new Scottish identity in the best of ways. Despite not having an entire education which dedicated P.E. lessons to social dancing, you can show us a mean spin during The Gay Gordons and hit those high notes during emotional end-of-evening renditions of The Bonnie Banks of Loch Lomond. Although the mark is often completely missed, we are secretly flattered that you attempted the accent even if it is completely butchered along the way. I’m yet to hear of someone referring to a kilt as a skirt, but that might be something to do with the sheer man strength of the person wearing it and how threatening that could be. It’s a tough culture to adapt to, but there is truly nothing better than everyone coming together for a ceilidh, a dram and a bit o’ craic!

So please, don’t get me wrong, the English are a welcomed lot and some of my fondest friends are from south of the border. Glasgow is bursting with diversity and truly, we couldn’t have done it without you.

But heed this warning: if you’re having a day when you think Scotland is just a bit shit, never tell a Scot that Scotland is a bit shit. Because even though it is, we’re the only ones allowed to say it.