Every person you will meet on a night out in Viper
Ain’t no messin’ with my clique
Lets be honest, there really is no place you’d rather be.
Viper is one of the most socially diverse clubs Glasgow’s West End has to offer, purely because we’re all human. It has all we really need: cheap booze, shite tunes and not having to pay for a taxi fare.
Viper is clearly the place to be. Even those who say they don’t like it secretly love it.
As you flee across from Coopers, running straight into the traffic, you don’t care if you die because the sweet glow of Viper will be your last magical memory.
On entrance, there’s usually a queue. This is your chance to scope all the meat, call dibs and “accidentally” fall into the person in front of you. Congratulations, you’ve pulled. It really is that easy.
The first person you’re going to meet is the guy who LOVES viper.
The pure mad wan
He’s the guy in the group who is all about the three B’s: Beer, Banter, and Birds. We all love him really, but every night he takes it too far, and everyone has to tell him to fuck off and stop trying to be a big man.
He’s there most weeknights and all weekend, and you can usually hear him before you see him. He’ll be chanting, “we love you viper, we do” while slamming his chest like an ape. He’ll also act like he’s best mates with the bouncer, giving them a slap on the shoulder upon each entry and tell you that he gets in for free because without him there, nobody would ever bother turning up to Viper.
You’ll come across this guy again at around midnight, hanging from the cloakroom cubbyhole, spilling his tin of dragon soup everywhere whispering, “we love you viper, we do” and trying to hit on whoever is on cloakroom that night, before getting his jacket and spewing all over it.
The ‘I’ll buy you a drink, love’ guy
These guys spend all night at the bar, are usually wearing a tweed jacket and look horrifically out of place. They’re sober as hell and lurk at the corners of the bar where the weak get pushed out by the real Viper loyals who are climbing and crawling their way through the crowd to get that sweet sweet soup.
I’m not sure where these guys come from, but they’re always in packs of three ready to pounce on a fresher if they’ve had one too many Viper bombs. He’ll offer to buy you a drink, escort you away to a booth, ask you about yourself and hey presto, looks like you’ve not only bagged yourself a free drink, you’re also getting a free kebab from BBQ Kings when this guy realises he’s pulled Bambi on ice.
The toilet lurkers
So, you’re in Viper, you’ve had six Viper bombs with a bottle of wine in hand and you’re ready to get freaky on the dance floor. Until you realise you need to pee. Nightmare.
Viper’s toilets are almost as good as the dance floor, as you can still hear the tunes which allows for the ultimate “put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care” piss, and chances of finding a pull on the way out are pretty high. This is when you will encounter the toilet lurkers.
These guys are on the serious hunt. They’ll be “waiting for a mate” outside the girls’ toilet, in the corner beside the puddle of spew, ready to catch any girls who have been separated from the herd.
The table top girls
These girls mean business. They came to Viper for one reason and one reason only, to get up on that table and shake what their mumma gave them. The only way a guy has any chance of getting this girl’s attention is if he can find the courage to get up on the bench, shimmy his way through her mates and squeeze himself onto the table. The only way this girl is going to notice another guy, is if he too can shake what his mumma gave him.
Every night at Viper, there’s always that guy who has his top off. He’s perspiring enough to hydrate the entire village of Murano and he’s loving every minute of it. His fist is pumping, his soup is flowing and he won’t stop screaming: “Here we, here we, here we fucking go!”
The DJ deck girls
If you see a girl who is shaking her hips beside the DJ decks, then she’s on the hunt. The platform wings of the decks are prime scoping position to scope out a suitable pull. For ultimate scoping effect, the DJ deck girls will split onto the opposite side of Viper on the platform which allows you to not only scope the dance floor, but also anyone nipping to the toilet in full light. Excellent.
These guys are situated at the bar, on the tables. They came here to get shit-faced, so must occupy the largest table to accommodate all their beverages. There’s gonna be a crowd of them, and they’re gonna be friendly as hell. At the edges, there will be the dancers of the group, trying to scoop up any passers-by and scream at them “Why are you not dancing? Come dance with us!” They also know everyone and their table of ten quickly becomes a table of thirty screaming students who resemble cooked spaghetti, having the best time of their lives.
The booth bitches
These guys spend their nights nursing a voddy and coke, applying powder to their faces and refusing to make any new friends because ain’t nobody messin’ with their mutherfukin’ clique.
The GUSA wanker
He’s there every Wednesday, fine – but he’s also there every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Does he ever wash his sweatband? Of course he doesn’t. He’s a pulling machine, he’s got a voice like a fog horn and he dances like Kung Fu Panda. You’re guaranteed to have an entertaining night with this one.