The library is useless for studying

With the winter chill now settled over campus, it’s that time of year where students all take refuge in the sleek panelled fortress of the library.

We’re here to study but there is such an expansive choice of floors to pick from that this decision in itself can be a harrowing process.

This guide serves as a quick run-down to identify which floor is for you; whether you’re a facebook fiend or leather bound library lacky.

Level 2

Barely even worth mentioning, level 2 has a few stand-alone computers for when your phone runs out of 3G and you want to check what time the Hunger Games is on at the Grosvenor.

Other than that you’re not going to get anything done here – you could sit in the graveyard of the old short loan section but then again you feel like an animal behind glass as countless students walk by looking mystified as they try to remember what used to be there.

Level 3

If you’re reading this now you are most likely on level 3 – the social hub of the library for the month of December. Level 3 is a safari.

You may sit down and begin to fool yourself that you’re doing some work but if the noise of the watering hole in the cafe doesn’t disturb you then another wild student will.

A friendly ‘hi’ and it’s game over as a conversation which can last anything from 5-20 minutes will commence before another friend catches your eye and the dreaded cycle of procrastination begins.

I wouldn’t blame you though if the newly renovated short loan section, surrounded by glass and mystery, attracted you in the first place. But as far as doing anything productive goes ‘abandon all hope ye who enter here’.

Level 4

In a delusional attempt to do some work you’ve found yourself on level 4.

You’ll find an entire wall of large coloured children’s books for when all that hard work you’re doing gets too much.

Or how about seeing how long it takes before the insistent tapping of the oddly placed keyboards makes you consider why you even bothered getting out of bed in the first place?

The restriction of not being able to talk as freely as you would downstairs makes the social engagement even more tempting which results in level 4 being – in essence – level 3 in disguise.

Some silent eye contact across the desks can be just enough for you to dander over with the pretence of ‘borrowing a pen’ before once again falling into a conversational black hole and annoying those around you who foolishly cling to the belief that level 4 is actually for work.

Level 5

Level 5 is that awkward limbo between the lower social floors and the higher ground where learning may actually take place.

Awkwardly situated just above level 4 where you can watch the quiet chaos unfold, no one really knows much about level 5.

Some have reported sightings of a trailer park and a tyre fire in the back but as I am personally unaware of any living soul who uses level 5, the rest is pure speculation.

Level 6

If you’ve reached level 6 then you must actually have something academic to do.

Here you will have quiet in which to study but have unfortunately crossed the threshold where you are high up enough to get a beautiful view of campus which in itself can be distracting.

And this is pervasive in all other higher floors from here on out.

Level 7

By now you are justified in using the lift. I strongly believe that anyone who unnecessarily uses the lift to climb 4 floors or less should not be allowed in it again.

Level 7 for most of us is a redundant level as it contains mostly maps. So use one to navigate right back out and find a new floor.

Level 8

Congratulations – you’ve made it to a level where you can actively complete assignments, revise effectively and not worry about having to chat to any socially deprived passersby.

Unfortunately you will only get a seat here if you arrive before 9am on any given day (successful studying comes at a price).

The walled off individual seats for your laptop are basically your VIP booth package for December if you’re quick enough to get them.

Level 9

You might have just got lost, the toilets in lower floors are being cleaned or you’re following the logic that the higher you go the better you shall study.

Level 9 has a quiet corner of red leather sofas which could have come straight from a less than reputable film set and that’s all that’s really worth mentioning here.

Level 10

Now deep in the heart of the red-coded silent study areas, arriving on level 10 must mean some serious work needs to be done.

Here there is wood, mahogany to be precise and lots old books –  perhaps leather-bound. So for those looking to study in style and sophistication, level 10 is for you.

Level 11

Near enough the exact same as level 10 but with the addition of some funky almost diner-esque booths in the side where there is fun for the whole family.

Except you won’t be having fun.

As you can’t talk. And you’re in the library. And people will hurt you if you do.

Level 12

You do not belong here.

If you even knew this floor existed and no matter what credentials you think you may have you do not have the right to be in this apex of studying.

Turn around now and forget you even came here.

The, what I can assume, divine beings on this level simply know what they’re doing in the library and will have scrolled past this article with a look of disgust and a wrinkled brow surrounded by heaps of real work.

In fact they won’t have even seen this as, let’s be real – they’re working.

Strangely it is very difficult to get any work done in the library on the majority of floors. Except from level 8, level 8 is spot on.

Of course you could go to the floor where your subject is based but who actually does that?

So no matter where you end up, good luck with exams students of GU – I wish you well on your journey through the library and its tricky social dynamics in a quest to study and succeed.

Actually, on second thoughts, you’re probably better to just study at home.