In defence of not going out

Not that hit TV show from Lee Mack

National noad

Pretty much everyone has a favourite club, a favourite night, sometimes even a favourite DJ. But I’m here to tell you that the best night is the night you spend in. Not just with a pack of Doritos in your onesie, but getting drunk with your flatmates and maybe a couple of friends. And here’s why:

No dealing with the cold

Right now, in the peak of wintry winds and duvet-demanding cold, going to a club is painful. You’ll probably end up spending half of your night in the smoking area anyway, and you’ll get stuck in some sort of queue in the Arctic conditions.

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Or you can go in your on-point outfit that reveals enough of your better attributes (whatever they may be) that you end up with nips that could cut glass and so many goosebumps you look like you’ve just come from the acupuncture clinic.

Mere moments later, these two were crushed under the weight of a thousand tonnes of snow

Mere moments later, these two were crushed under the weight of a thousand tonnes of snow

Party ’til you drop

Clubs have an issue with closing just as you’re just getting your buzz on. And after you spent all your money on tequila shots for you and your mates, the last thing you want to do is go home and sit in an empty house. Or worse still, pass out on the way home and wake up in a hedge with tourists taking pictures.

If you drink at home, the party stops when you do. Around 4am is the ideal time to get into a Disney singalong (note: classics only. Let It Go is for parodies and Vodafone adverts).

Sometimes when the vino is flowing, it gets really crazy

Cheaper alcohol

Drinks in clubs range from stupidly expensive to a state where you’ll wake up in the morning as a monk. Because you’ll be free of all worldly possessions. Because you sold them. To buy two Jungbombs. You alky.

But if you stock up on Jäger and Red Bull from Aldi or Lidl before you go out, you can afford to keep drinking the good stuff for a good third of the night and still have enough dollah left over to buy food at 2am.

For the Arena price of these, you could buy an oil company

Food

Unless you’ve pulled (or if you love food more than sex) a trip to the kebab shop/burger van/Subway/KFC/etc. is going to be the highlight of your night out. The glorious feel of semi-natural meat between your teeth is the only way to round off a proper night.

But just think of the options that open themselves up if you stay at home. Well, actually, they’re pretty much the same as if you go out. But you can always leave the house for the sole reason of the burger van and appreciate it twice as much. And somehow it’s just part of the party rather than a night-ender.

This is really the only reason to leave the house. Ever.

This is really the only reason to leave the house. Ever

Be the DJ

Everyone else might hate your strange, nouveau-house/bass/polka music, but when you’re at home, you’re the one who controls the playlist.

Listen to Mr. Brightside on loop or simply sit down and play your guitar – your only restriction is how long you can keep it going before your friends and flatmates lock you in your room and slam Radio 1 back on.

Probably best that you can’t read the song titles

No bouncers

No burly men to throw you out after you start a fight, no entry fees, no incriminating stamps on your arm. ’nuff said.

bouncer

The Tab Exeter

last seen today at 02:28

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