What type of Tab commenter are you?

The grammar king

There’s nothing more satisfying than pointing out a missing apostrophe to really shit all over someone’s argument.

This take two forms: the “Mmmm, you make some really valid points, unfortunately pneumonia HAS A SILENT ‘P’ YOU FUCKTARD,” or just the classic “*pneumonia.”

Either way, it’s amusing, and – in the comments scheme of things – gets loads of likes.

The ‘let me use loads of long words’

Usually in response to a particularly abrasive opinion piece, the commenter will be enraged by the sheer cheek of the article.

Having Googled the synonyms for “idiot” and “disgusting”, they will really flex their verbose muscles by writing a comment longer than the actual article, and then having a triumphant wank all over their laptop screen.

Expect the use of “cretin” at LEAST twice.

 The pervert

This character has no specific objections to the article.

No, he just wants to say he would “definitely give it to her” or that he regrets to inform us that it’s a strictly 2/10 situation – “would not bang.”

Don’t think this lot are weird, silent types that lurk in basements getting aroused by old episodes of The Gilmore Girls. These people are everywhere.

The poetic pervert

A pervert armed with a silver tongue. They say disgusting things in the most creative ways.

The family member

“Don’t listen to them, baby, we’re all so proud of our little journalist!” From “Anonymous”. No – it’s from Mum.

They give themselves away by being a tiny island of optimism in a sea of abuse.

No-one ever writes positive comments unless they are a family member. Or your housemate.

The confused one

This person is so unbelievably angry at themselves for having read the article that a mist of red descends over their eyes and obscures their vision.

As a result they make startlingly embarrassing mistakes. Like getting the author’s name (or gender) wrong.

 

The nonsensical

2Do you like to kiss eggs?” “Touch my elbow, peacelovers.” “Unicorns are in my bumhole!”

What. The. Fuck.

Someone, in a corner of Amory, running on twenty Red Bulls and 5 unfinished essays, has posted on The Tab as a final cry for help before dissolving in their own delirium.

and some more…

and just a little bit more…

The future serial killer?

“JUST CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE AN EXTREMELY PAINFUL DEATH.”

Capitals. Ominous full stops. The promise of imminent death. This is the real deal.

It’s not a machete wielding caretaker though, it’s just your mild-mannered lecture fwend who’s had enough of all this FUCKING TAB CONTROVERSYYYYYYY.