Whether you’re a seasoned iron addict, fitness-fiend or a six-pack-shunning Dominos destroyer you’ve probably noticed the brand-spanking new gym at the top of campus.

Our bastion of bulking sets the trend with its bike simulators, disco lights and inspirational quotes that I’m not ashamed to say have found their way onto my bedroom wall.

Some are born ready to lift; others need coaxing. Here’s the Tab’s list of what not to do in our conditioning cathedral.

One of the famous quotes, appropriately placed

Don’t grunt

Sounding like King Kong won’t make you look like him. When you dip into that deep squat in the middle of the weights room and let out an almighty groan people aren’t looking at you in awe.

They’re staring at the constipated look on your face, seriously considering what’s passing through your bowels. Or the fact that you’re only lifting 20s.

Or the fact that you’ve ruined the drop on Wake Me Up and they’ll have to wait a whole ten minutes for the next rendition.

Maximum effort need not mean maximum noise

Don’t leave weights out

If, like me, benching 150kg is part and parcel of your gym routine, at least have the courtesy to restack the weights once you’ve used them. Mere mortals have a right to remain that way and tend not to take kindly to lugging six hefty weight plates back to the rack.

Your archetypal dumbbell whore

Don’t go hungover

The smells secreted by the person on the gym mat to your right still coming to terms with what happened last night aren’t pleasant.

Everyone sweats, right? They do, yes. But there’s a difference between sweat and the alcoholic liquid seeping from your pores after one (or seven) too many Timepiece doubles.

And whereas the old gym might have done with a spattering of regurgitated decor, the new one looks quite good how it is, thank you very much. Do us a favour and go back to bed.

If you look like this, go home

Don’t be intimidated

Contrary to their appearance of testosterone-fuelled Neanderthals, gym-goers are generally capable and more than willing to respond when spoken to. Some machines look like they can only be used by highly trained contortionists.

The futuristic cardio machines upstairs (the only place we know where you can watch treadmill fails on YouTube while running on a treadmill) can send you flying if you don’t know what button you’re pressing. So don’t be afraid to ask the Neanderthals or the gym staff if you get stuck.

Don’t be distracted by any wannabe Bruce Lee

Don’t skip leg days

You’ve been on campus since dawn, got a third in an essay and tripped down the forum stairs in front of the girl who pied you in Mosaic last night. And it’s a leg day.

The weak will skulk back home and cry. The mediocre will reach the gym only to do some cardio instead. The strong will stride up that hill, swagger down those stairs and embark on an extraordinary journey into squatting paradise whilst reciting Hamlet’s soliloquy.

The furrowed brow is a symptom of Squatting Paradise