I hate to tell you, but if you do any of these things, you are the flat goblin

Every flat has one


We've talked about the flat grandma, the flat dad and the flat baby, but we've got a much more complicated being on our hands this time around – the flat goblin.

We all live with one, and if you don't think that you do, it's because YOU are the flat goblin, buster.

I'm the flat goblin of my abode, and I've come forward to help you understand what you might doing that makes you fill this very role as well.

Your room is one big pile of dishes, mugs and clothes

If you can see your bedroom floor, then you're probably not really the flat goblin. Your floor must have so many clothes on it that you'd be able to sleep wherever you want. You are also a serial hoarder – dirty plates, mugs, and basically anything that shouldn't be hoarded is hoarded in your bedroom.

Once a fortnight (at at push) you'll clear everything away, as you do the ultimate walk of shame from your bedroom to the kitchen to wash 10 mugs and a whole dish set. How embarrassing.

The rest of the flat left these behaviours behind in first year, but alas, three years later your bedside table is crumbling under the weight of mould-covered dishes. Yes, your flat's mouse infestation is indeed your fault.

You spend your days sleeping in your cave of a bedroom

You will unashamedly sleep constantly, going to bed around 10pm, waking up at 8am, and still managing to fit in at least one nap a day. Most naps are unplanned, however. One minute, you'll be watching Netflix and then you'll suddenly wake up with a drained laptop and a raspy throat, mid-afternoon, in a pitch black room.

You'll emerge from your room to check in with your flatmates, who have been trying to stay quiet and let you sleep. It becomes a competition – will you sleep eight hours? 10? 13? Bets are placed, along with the occasional disapproving comment, but after all, it's just the goblin way of life.

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Don't even THINK about waking the flat goblin up

You have literally completed Netflix

In the rare instances where you, the flat goblin, are not sleeping, you are lying in bed watching Netflix. Sitting in a dark room for hours on end, bundled up in their duvet is the flat goblin's favourite hobby. Your flatmates won't even know you're home, as you relentlessly bash out three seasons of Suits in one week.

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Me and bae <3

You will rarely eat a proper meal

The flat goblin can be easily identified from their eating habits, which are more than anything, weird. Cheese pasta three days in a row for every meal? Sounds yum. Toast for every meal of the day? Even yummier. Ramen noodles constantly, with maybe some veg chucked in for good luck? It's not always the case that the flat goblin cannot cook, as this unusual diet is purely down to laziness. When you sleep all day there's limited time to cook – it's more a case of eating for the sake of eating than eating for fun.

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Does ketchup count as one of your five a day?

Regardless of how you may feel towards your flat goblin, I'm here to argue that they should be appreciated, loved, and woken up when they've slept for over 12 hours. And by this point, if you still don't know who the flat goblin is, it's definitely you. Do your dishes.