If you do any of these things, it’s highly likely that you’re the flat grandma
Glam-ma is the new grandma
"The Flat Grandma" is a highly treasured individual in any flat – the anchor in the stormy seas of deadlines and hangovers. Although her nights out are few, her opinions and pearls of wisdom are ever in abundance. And while she may struggle to keep up with the latest memes, there's always something to learn from the flat grandma and if you don't know one, it's probably because YOU are one.
Here are a few tell-tale signs that maybe mean that you too are joining the glam-ma movement.
Your party days are over
Can you count the number of nights out you've been on this term on one hand? Do you make the occasional appearance at pres and get greeted by your pals as though they haven't seen you in a year? It seems fairly obvious that you're no longer the pop princess you may have been in your younger days, so quit while you're ahead and give everyone a farewell hug as they head off clubbing whilst you head on home.
Getting eight hours of beauty sleep every night is far more important to you, because you've sensibly realised that you just aren't getting any younger. On the few times you've managed to make it out, you may treat yourself to a glass of Prosecco, but that bottle of water is always in tow. Yes, your pals will tease you, but it's not your fault you seem to develop hangovers mid pre.
Don't be sad that you can't hack the sesh anymore – 10 points for trying, right?
Keeping up with the Kontemporaries
Are you feeling ever so out of touch with modernity? Does the world seem to be moving too fast for you? It's okay, us grannies understand. Your flatmates have probably voiced their concerns about your worrying lack of knowledge concerning the latest top 40, yet you still don't understand why it's so tragic to listen to a little bit of Celine Dion now and again.
The only memes appearing on your timeline are ones about cute fluffy dogs getting their hair cut, and every time you tag a pal in what you think is a new post they reply, "hahaha yeah I saw this."
Asides from this, you do actually make a conscious effort to keep up with the times – but apparently reading the latest magazines just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.
You own all the handbag essentials
You'll never be caught without your handbag. Not for reasons you may think, but for issues of practicality and because your whole life depends on it. It holds your prized possession – your diary – which although is a great source of banter for your guy friends, saves you day in and day out and you couldn't begin to imagine going a day without it.
If you too have a worryingly high dependancy upon your dear diary, you may have to admit that you've joined the premature over 75s club. Alongside your analog calendar, people can always count on you for having a pack of soothers handy, and you'll make doubly sure that your pal actually has a sore throat before you start dishing them out, because as you always remind everyone, they do actually contain menthol. Trust you to know that.
Obviously, you dress like one
Colour co-ordination is key. Your shoes will always match your bag and your pyjamas will always be a matching set. Grandmas aren't frumpy, but the ultimate style icons. You'll think about your outfits for the upcoming week and always take into consideration the upcoming weather forecast, because nothing would be worse than being caught in a snow storm without your bobble hat and mittens.
The BBC weather forecast at six is unmissable, and you'll easily spend a good 20 minutes afterwards ranting to your flatmates about how they need to make sure they wrap up warm this week. You love an oversized cardi and a cashmere scarf, and while some may think this is a questionable fashion choice, it's honestly because you're always bloody freezing and you'll do anything to stop your shivery shakes. Cold hands and feet are your day-to-day reality, and no socks and tights combo could ever really combat this constant struggle.
Everybody knows cold hands equal a warm heart, so don't go beating yourself up about your useless body thermostat – we are lovely people with the biggest warmest beating hearts ever.
You appreciate old people comforts
You're without a doubt the flat mate your pals will come to if they need a shoulder to cry on or some sort of morale boost. In a flash, you'll tell them that you think they're fabulous, which you genuinely do, because you can't help but always see the best in people.
Your cuddles are life saving and you love giving people a good ol' back rub – plus you have so many pearls of wisdom you may as well create your own range of jewellery. On top of this, you're the queen of the rant since nothing is ever quite up to your prim and proper standards. You've definitely caused a scene in a restaurant when your soup arrived a tad lukewarm, and you're constantly moaning about the deteriorating quality of Zara – so you're extremely empathetic when others come to you feeling the same sort of way.
You may not have an endless supply of McVitie's Rich Tea biscuits to mend those broken hearts, but you'll always have that everlasting grandma love.
You're the queen of regime
You undeniably take up the most room in your shared bathroom cupboards and your collection of creams is only getting bigger. Even though you're 20 years of age, you've been using anti-ageing creams since the very second you passed teen-hood, and you swear that's what is keeping you looking so damn young. It's definitely got nothing to do with you actually being very young.
One night without using your gold leaf extracted eye cream and you vow your bags have never looked worse as you frantically apply for extra baggage on your upcoming flight home, in fear that you're gonna get charged extra at the very sight of your un-elasticated skin.
You love the royal family
You probably shamelessly own a Princess Diana mug and hold strong opinions against Camilla Parker-Bowles. It's still a very sore subject for you, and you refuse to engage in any debates about the topic. You'd never dream of missing a royal wedding on the telly, and you may even treat your flatmates to a home-made trifle for the special occasion. Weddings, births and even a royal documentary – you're there, and all other plans will be pushed aside. Your flat mates have probably joked about buying you a commemorative plate. The worst part is that this was only a joke – you actually wished they were being more serious.
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So, if you've read this and you're feeling slightly suspicious that you may be your flat grandma, don't hold back. Embrace your granny-ness in all its full glory, and go and treat yourself to a Marks and Sparks dine in for two for £10. It's about time the grandma gets a bit of credit – because, lest we forget, we should always respect our elders.
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