How to make bouncers love you

You’re certainly at your best when you’re off your tits


Argue with them when they don’t let you in  

A sure fire way to win the favour of any bouncer worth their salt, especially when you’ve had a few drinks and you’re being extra feisty. Big Dave really enjoys being told by an inebriated fresher that they’ve only had ‘just the one’ when they’ve evidently had ‘just the 10’ and won’t accept defeat. Even better if there’s a giant queue with about a hundred rowdy students behind you and you decide to call the bouncer a ‘sassy bitch’. Note: The Why Not bouncers are particular fans of this.

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Be sick in the club

This means they get to throw you out! Brilliant!

They’ll really enjoy it if you chun on the dancefloor itself because then they’ll have to storm through crowds gyrating to ‘golddigger’ to extract the offender.  Toilet vomiters are probably less enjoyable but it’s likely they’ll still find it just as cute and hilarious as your pals who are taking snapchats of you with your head down the toilet.

Start a fight outside/inside said club

Bonus points if it’s actually with a bouncer, it generally really spices up their night. Watching you hurl poorly aimed punches at a similarly intoxicated peer is actually a really good distraction from all the other excitement occurring left, right and centre. Despite the fact that it’s all fun and games until someone accidentally gets their jaw broken, it’s likely that bouncers still find this a good laugh and will definitely let you back in because it’s all just a bit of banter really isn’t it?

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Chat to them whilst you’re having a smoke

Pete the bouncer loves hearing about your lack of a text back as much as he loves being asked what it’s like to be a bouncer- he’ll  like you even more if your voice sounds like you’ve just been spat out the middle of Kensington. Without a doubt, most bouncers will find this little bonding session even more heartwarming if you’re perched on a wall, enjoying a cig and trying to discuss American politics whilst they’re trying to prevent the fight occurring about 10 people down and stop a gang of spotty 16 year olds trying to sneak in without showing their poorly replicated fake IDs.

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Leave out a fire exit  

The Potterrow bouncers are big fans of this. If you go down a staircase which says ‘no entry’ they’ll give you a really lovely sharpie tattoo on your hand and maybe even give you a termly Prow ban. If there’s one thing a bouncer loves, it’s chasing you down an illicit staircase which leads to a rubbish dump and a secret cleaning closet. It’s basically Narnia. This also applies to jumping the barrier to get onto the Prow stage. If you get rugby tackled and physically removed, you’ve hit the jackpot.

Drink in the queue

This’ll make you even more uncontrollable, which as we’ve just seen is what they all live for. So go on, swig that vodka squash out of your Tesco value plastic bottle- who knows, they might even turn a blind eye. Who cares that drinking in the street is illegal in Scotland? Do it anyway because you’re a student and rules don’t apply to you.

Featured image photography credit – Chris Gray Photography