Which Buzzfeed article is your Cambridge College?

Here at The Tab, we pride ourselves on our journalistic integrity. We would never (fully) descend to the level of inane Buzzfeed-style listicles. We would never trot out the old college stereotypes like some humour-free Camfess. We would certainly never say “Girton Far” and leave it at that.

But without further ado, we present “Cambridge Colleges as Buzzfeed Articles”.

Disclaimer: All of the below are jokes and are based on cruel and inaccurate stereotypes. Please do not make application decisions based on this article. No colleges were harmed in the making of this article. We didn’t care enough to do postgrad colleges, sorry.

Christ’s

Christ’s and its students worked very hard to climb to the top of the Tompkins Table after seven years of Trinity supremacy, and they aren’t about to give up now.

While the rest of Cambridge hits the whoa in the Revs smoking area, Christ’s students are busy acquainting themselves with molecular biology and the works of Umberto Eco in their 24-hour library, a vivarium of learning.

Churchill

Is Churchill really full (more than usual) of anti-social nerds who’ve never touched a girl? I put this to a nice Churchill student who smiled with her mouth but not her eyes while she said, “Oh, I’m not one of the shut-ins. But they are everywhere.”

Clare

If Clare students had their way, Tiny Desk concerts would be hosted in the Clare cellars.

Clare students distinguish themselves not only by their berets and laptop stickers but through their exquisitely unique music taste. “Have you heard of ZJFIOD?” they say. “It’s a really obscure Swedish-Indian shoegaze ballet indie band with 3 listeners on Spotify. They’re playing the Clare cellars tomorrow.”

Corpus Christi

What else is there to do in one of Cambridge’s tiniest colleges than to gossip?

Corpus Christi students always know each other’s business. Sneeze in your room and 30 minutes later everyone will be knocking on your door to enquire after the health of your nose.

Downing

Downing is populated mostly by corporate law girls, the lacrosse type, who, to misquote Good Omens, are separated from Magic Circle law firms by only one thing – time.

Emmanuel

Oh, Emma. You try to look so sweet and nice. Aww, look at the little duckies! Look at the free laundry!! Uwuuu.

But the Tompkins Table tells a different story. Number 7, indeed! A supposedly “chill” college up there in the top ten with Christ’s! Behind your mask of wholesomeness, there is a fearsome competitive streak. You are false, Emma, false and empty.

Fitzwilliam

Shockingly enough, Buzzfeed doesn’t seem to have devoted much space to the merits of brutalist architecture. Above is an artist’s impression of the kind of articles they might write about Fitzwilliam College if they were so inclined.

Girton

Girton far.

Gonville & Caius

In the interests of not getting sued, I should say that I’ve never partaken of Caius food myself and as far as I know this college stereotype is completely untrue.

That said, I read it in a Camfess once so here it is.

Homerton

No one has ever proved that most of this country’s teachers come from Homerton.

On the other hand, no one has disproved it either.

Jesus

The chanty subtitle (“SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS”) is wholly appropriate. Jesus students are always to be seen running around, being generally coordinated and active.

I’d like to say they never shut up about sports but being subjected to people talking about the Union has made anything else seem better in comparison.

Presumably they also work hard at their studies. Fit and smart. How dare they.

King’s

Could you possibly identify King’s College Chapel, the most obscure indie building in Cambridge? In a previous article, I referred to it as an Instagram shrine and the point still stands. The rest of the college is beside the point (though it is very nice, I have serious college envy). All that matters is the Chapel.

Lucy Cavendish

Non-Rich College, I Want To Know What You’re Sick Of Hearing from Wealthy Colleges. Yes, That Includes Condescending Articles Like This One.

Magdalene

The last college to let in women (1988, and some male students went into mourning in response), and the only one in Cambridge to still have all-candlelit formals, Magdalene is always teetering dangerously close to the Victorian era.

All it would take is for some students to put on top hats and the whole college would fall into the time vortex and emerge in 1848.

Murray Edwards

An all-female college that sounds like it was named after a man. ‘Murray Edwards’ is two women’s combined last names, but it still sounds like a tax-avoiding millionaire who donated to a women’s college to improve his image on the advice of Saatchi & Saatchi.

Anyway, yeah, apparently all Medwards students came from all-girls schools, tried for Newnham and were pooled to do English here.

Newnham

I asked someone about Newnham college stereotypes and they replied, “a lesbian is too straight to go to Newnham.”

Newnham is a land of houseplants, septum piercings, spoken word poetry, maximalist Pinterest, and cottagecore Instagram. Sylvia Plath and Tumblr fit nicely into the theme.

Pembroke

Just as with Caius, I cannot confirm the veracity of rumours about Pembroke’s excellent food, or the famous pancakes served at its Brunch. Or is it waffles? Man, I’ll never get on University Challenge with such poor general knowledge.

Peterhouse

Believe it or not, the article refers not to the many gays from private school emerging from the closet at Peterhouse now that they’re finally at uni, but rather to the many gay Conservatives from private school emerging from the centrist closet to voice their true opinions about benefits and feminism.

Queens’

Erm, Queens has a… bridge? And it’s haunted by demons which are a metaphor for… porters? And it’s in Texas which represents… Cambridgeshire? Uhhh…

Robinson

You’re at one of Robinson’s famous Bops, assuming, of course, you managed to squeeze into one, a feat which I didn’t accomplish.

Something zany and unexpected happens, as often does at these bops. You say something crazy in response.

You’ve just said a crazy thing in a parking lot (which Robinson resembles).

Boom.

Selwyn

Everyone I spoke to had really nice things to say about Selwyn, which was a real pain because you try finding Buzzfeed articles that are about “nicest Cambridge colleges!”

So in the end I went for this one because Selwyn’s bar actually is quite fancy. Not living in 3019 maybe but oh, close enough.

Sidney Sussex

Sidney Sussex, doomed to forever live under the shadow of the nickname “Sidney Sainsburys.” That the most interesting thing about Sidney is its proximity to Mainsbury’s should tell you something.

St Catherine’s

Poor St Catz, capable of being seen in a single glance, always forgotten in people’s lists of colleges, outshone by the radiant Instagram Shrine next door. It’s probably a very nice college but honestly, I couldn’t tell you shit about it. Blame Kings for that.

St John’s

What is Johns famous for? Its generosity? Having two bridges over the river? Its May Ball being 7^th best party in the world as decided by- oh, I forget the magazine.

No, no, and no again. Johns’ most famous export is Johns Boys. I daren’t say more here but please do consult the Buzzfeed article for details.

Trinity

Oh, it must be so hard to be so wonderful as Trinity. Big, rich, and so humble that it never lets anyone know it! Did you know Isaac Newton went there? Certainly not, because Trinity is far too humble to ever draw attention to that.

It’s not Trinity’s fault that everyone keeps praising them all the time. It tries its best to be modest, it really does.

I’ll snap out of sarcasm and quote Gogol. Spit in a Trinity student’s eye and they’ll say it’s dew from Heaven.

Trinity Hall

Last, but certainly not least, despite its frequent unfortunate conflation with its younger, richer sibling, comes Trinity Hall.

True, its library might not be the most elaborate that Cambridge has to offer. But as the rare modern extension that harmonises with the older architecture, with its window seats and lovely position on the river, Tit Hall’s library (I refuse to use its official name for no reason) beguiles me.

I mean it was either this article or Small Kitchen Organisation Tips.

Featured Image Credits: Ted Bruce

Related articles recommended by this lovely author:

• The most Instagrammed colleges in Cambridge
• The Tab’s comprehensive guide to the Cambridge colleges
• A to Z: The Cambridge alphabet