All the first impressions you’ll make as a Cambridge Fresher

Spoiler alert: they’re not good.

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Freshers' Week, fresh start, amirite? Re-invent yourself. Read Tab articles about reinventing yourself. Except, you only get one shot, I hate to break it to you. While first impressions aren’t always lasting impressions, they’re inevitably the ones used to define you for the first few weeks before people learn your name (or give up trying).

This means, essentially, that you need to STEP IT UP. Yes, you’re drunk. Yes, the music is too loud to hear half the words anyway. Yes, the equally drunk person you’re trying to make conversation with would most likely not notice if you were replaced with a similar sized and shaped plank of wood. This is irrelevant. You still need to channel every last drop of wit and relatability that you have into this twelve-second conversation OR YOU WILL NEVER BE A BNOC.

This means referencing a meme, providing intellectual commentary on the nuances of said meme, mentioning your veganism, throwing in an ironic gap yah joke while also subtly pointing out that you did in fact go on a gap year and India was just such an enlightening experience omg, and after all that you should still have three seconds left to make a super meta reference about the banalities of first-time small talk. This is just simply the only way you can possibly make a good impression on the waved NatSci whose name you can’t remember. (Zeke??)

Zed the NatSci

Zed the NatSci

That being said, unfortunately, despite all your charm and capacity to understand Rick and Morty, you can’t actually control what other people think of you. However, you can prolong the Suffering by analysing every single social interaction you ever make. Then, you can immortalise it through a Tab article (!!!).

So here goes, a definitive list of the first impressions I’ve made this past week:

“We can choose our double set partners next year, right?” – My flatmate.

“It’s a pull door. It says pull. How does she get this wrong every time? Why is she still pushing?”- The porter

“Please don’t call me Daddy.”- my college Dad

“Oh, it’s that Indian girl, Anusha!”- the person who met the other vaguely brown girl the night before

“Oh, this is the girl I got mistaken for at Cindies.”- Anusha

“Shit, is that-? We went to primary school together. Okay, it’s fine, just don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact.” – Someone who was very fascinated by the pavement

“Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark.” The boy who watched the revolving library door hit me in the face on my way in

“Again, really?” Same boy, 10 minutes later

“God said ‘love thy neighbour’ and damn is the good Lord testing me now.”- My neighbours

Meet the neighbours

Meet the neighbours

“This is the fifth time she’s introduced herself to me”- Someone who I’m definitely going to introduce myself to for a sixth time

“God, what a mess*.”- My bedder

*Not in reference to my room

“Is she going left or right? Okay, she’s still walking in a straight line, so I’ll move left- wait she just swerved, so I’ll just have to go right- wait no, now she’s switching sides- why does she keep- oh my god can this girl mAKE UP HER MIND.”- the cyclist that I nearly crashed into

“Is she actually just going to sit there casually hacking up her lungs for the next 50 minutes?” – everyone in my Spanish lecture

“Wow, her lecture look is so cute. Literally writing my Crushbridge right now.”- No-one

“Is this shit supposed to be funny?”- you, reading this article right now (HOW META!!1!!!1!)