How to reinvent yourself now you’re at uni

New Year…………….. New You!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ok so you’re at Cambridge which probably means, not to pigeonole you or anything, but it probably means you were, to put it kindly – a massive loser in school.

And guess what? THAT’S OK!! Some of us come to terms with our inner nerd. We practise self- love, kindness. We take up mindfulness, a kind of shit meditation for white people.

But this article is for those of you who want to spice up your life – you want to say arrivederci to the Yesterday’s You. Over the summer you watched Love Island, now describe your mortal enemies as “tuna melts” and have started addressing everyone else as “bubs”.

Congratulations!! You’re reinventing yourself – every narcissist’s favourite activity. You no longer have to be Jonty who went to Eton, has a functional family and a country home in Devon. Now you be classic “Jon”, from Slough, underprivileged and overeducated. Just don’t blow your cover by, for example, speaking at all, or smoking straights instead of rolling.

Head to toe Adidas and a gap year tragedy throw to go

Reinvention looks easy, but in fact, has nuance. It starts with social media. Now for the hardcore amongst you, I would say – delete Facebook. It looks very very edgy and very, very cool. However, this comes with the risk that you’ll possibly never go out again. The best way to reinvent is to not be too extreme- create new content, don’t eviscerate the old stuff.

I mean, obviously you should delete the family pictures from “Kenya 2k13”. Clearly get rid of the pics of you winning a bronze in the Intermediate Maths Challenge. If your family ever posted on your wall congratulating you for your results- block them. Yes you’re at Cambridge, but now that you’re reinventing yourself, no, you don’t have to be academic. You need to make it look as if you just wandered into your A- Level further maths in a drug- infused haze and accidentally came out with 100 UMS. My point – don’t be someone who actually comes across like they care about their grades.

Would you ever guess that 0% of these people are cool? Probably

Discuss loudly how you haven’t done the reading. In fact, say explicitly “Mate, I haven’t done any of the reading”. Say it to your new friends, say it to the second years. Say it to your DoS. Say it again. So empowering. Make sure you use the word “mate”, you’re trying to make mates here after all, and by calling everyone you see, “mate”, they can’t really correct you can they? They can’t say “no, mate, I’m not your mate.” You’ve literally used the power of words to trap them into friendship. Well done.

Now, for the most important thing. The look. It’s important that you invest in a) overpriced vintage sportswear, and b) a lot of mesh. For me, the Adidas thing is getting a bit overdone now, and you don’t want to look – God forbid, passé – so perhaps it’s time to move onto, Umbro, or Everlast. You want to combine something looking as cheap as possible whilst simultaneously, paying way too much for it, so perhaps a trip to Shoreditch is in order before you hit the streets of Cambridge. On a night out, scream at random passers by “WORKING CLASS APPROPRIATION IN THE STREETS, INSURMOUNTABLE INSECURITIES IN THE SHEETS”. It’s that relatable content that will really get everyone on your side.

If you look like Harry Potter circa 2003 with your round glasses, you’re doing it right

If you haven’t already, start drinking espressos and craft beer. Not together, obviously, although that could be an interesting conversation piece in itself. Wear silk shirts to the pub. Get a piercing. Practice doing all-nighters so you can give your essay crises a real sense of authenticity. Download souncloud. Start listening to Mura Masa.

Get a Labour Party membership. Not only is being a Tory cringe, but as Frank Luntz, part time American political consultant, climate change denier, and Trump stooge, and full time soothsayer pointed out- kids turn to socialism because socialists have more sex. Become a vegan; discuss ethical consumption at matriculation dinner.

If all else fails – take up poetry. Invest in a black moleskine and round glasses. Go to open mic nights. Discuss, with your voice cracking, your palms shaking, through the power of rhyme, meter, and form, the injustices of the world as we know it.

All you need

Is to be


        At line