Where’s your college marriage at now?

If there’s anything more quintessentially Cambridge than bridges and stressed out students, it is the institution of college marriages. Yes, I am referring to that sacred moment when two students unite in the holy matrimony of platonic love to look after little Camlings next year.

College marriages form an indispensable part of student life here, the rock for confused Freshers to hold on to as they enter the flurry of the Cambridge bubble. It’s a partnership of friendship, support, trust, confidence. If you’re still unconvinced by how uplifting it can be- I’ll say no more- just watch this.

Or at least this is how it’s supposed to pan out. But in typical Cambridge style, anything’s possible, and if you can dream it it will most likely happen. And in the case of fuck-ups, they emerge far and beyond your wildest dreams. So now that we’re in the third trimester, perhaps its time to reflect upon how these unions are faring.

Still single

Although I am in complete agreement that marriage is something that cannot be rushed and takes time, perhaps now there is a need for some urgency. Admittedly, kudos to you for not getting caught up in the whole college marriage FOMO and proposing to the first person you see. Still, there’s a time bomb and it’s certainly ticking. Maybe Crushbridge can be used as a form of advertisement. Now is either the time to desperately trawl through the singletons still left in college, or I suppose if social conventions never pressured you into doing anything, stay happily single.

Non-speakers

You are one of those people who joined the frenzy to marry to ensure you did not end up left on the shelf. Whilst disillusioned may be too harsh a word to describe the current state of the coupling, the honeymoon period has certainly been and gone. There are many ways to reach this stage. Often the eventual non-speaking stage is emblematic of an early marriage when both parties were still unsure of each other. Slowly you drifted apart into different friendship groups. No shame in that. Or maybe you were an arranged marriage, pushed together by friends, and the spark that ignited soon fizzled out.

Maybe she said yes just for the cake

Love Birds

The opposite of the above. Instead of dying out, the close proximity and intensity of Cambridge has acted as a catalyst to fan the flames. More érōs than philía, you’ve transcended the friendship boundary and have done the unthinkable. You may have confused college marriage with real marriage, but best to make sure that any resultant children next year are collegiate and not biological.

Dysfunctional couples

For one reason or another, the marriage has reached this tragic stage. Maybe now you find your other half too clingy, or despite getting on like a house of fire to begin with, you no longer see eye to eye, or can even stand being in a 5m vicinity of each other. Faced with the daunting reality that it might be too late in the year to remarry, and mariticide/uxoricide is generally frowned upon by society, there is only one viable option left for those in this sorry state. Just stay together for the children.

Nothing that some drunken marriage counselling won’t solve

Norfolk families (Incest)

‘Your mother is your sister, your father is your brother …’ Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the gist. Just don’t inter-subject marry. The whole thing gets messed up and now you’re related to everybody and there’s no hope for your children to avoid the incestuous trap. Of course, I realise sometimes it’s done out of necessity. The age old dilemma- what’s more socially acceptable, marrying someone from the same subject or marrying your college sibling?

Miscellaneous couplings

College marriage really does reflect the wide range of possible relationships out there. Whereas some are yet unmarried, there are those on to their second or even their third. Then there are three way marriages and even widows (i.e. if one’s partner intermits). Perhaps there is some analogy in here, perhaps one should never stop striving for something better or the unconventional can be beautiful too. Whatever it is, it’s probably too profound for The Tab.

If you like it then put a ring on it

Just good friends

Well done! You have stuck to the actual premise of this relationship. For something that’s easier said than done, you guys deserve a First for actually pulling it off.

In sickness and in health, till tripos us do part, we’re committed now, with a new family to start.