How to ditch the weirdo you regret making friends with in Freshers’ Week
We all have that one ‘friend’
Freshers’ Week was a desperate time and desperate times called for desperate measures.
Motivated by fear, awkwardness and a burning desire not to have to eat alone in hall, we all leapt headfirst into ill-advised friendships. Now it’s Week Six and reality has sunk in – and you’ve realised that you and your bestie 4 lyf actually are fundamentally incompatible people and that you cannot build a meaningful friendship solely based on the fact that you both do the same subject, you happen to live next door to each other, or you’re both from Hertfordshire.
Spoiler alert: Everyone is from Hertfordshire. You now need to sever this connection as quickly and painlessly as possible and the easiest way to do it is to trick them into doing it for you. This is a delicate procedure my friends, but fear not, I am here to guide you through.
Step 1: Make them think you’re a bigot
Nothing will make you a social pariah in the lefty liberal elitist world of Cambridge faster than simply saying certain key phrases. Try “I think Trump is going to be a great president, I wish I could have voted for him!” or “I’m super excited for when we activate Article 50, take our country back!”. If this subtle approach fails, simply hang an England flag out your window when England are not playing in any sort of sporting event. People will get the message very quickly.
This method does however have the disadvantage of isolating you not just from friends, but from your entire college community. Also, everyone will think you’re racist which will suck. But these are small prices to pay to no longer have to humor the overly friendly person in your kitchen.
Step 2: Give up on all personal hygiene
Much like a frightened skunk, you can try to repel unwanted company by using your natural musk. In the name of getting your new friend to leave you alone, you must be willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself utterly repulsive.
Stop showering, washing your hair, brushing your teeth, and just completely give up. A word of warning though, attempting this method in Week Five may just mean you’ll blend in with all the other Cantabs who have also completely given up.
Step 3: Hack and hack hard
Nothing loses you friends faster than some shameless hacking, so in order to lose your new friend, all you need to do is sell your soul to some big society. Whether you constantly invite people to wanky Law Soc events, share an inane Tab article every five minutes or stop speaking to anyone unless they have Union membership and it’s time to beg them to vote for you in the termly circlejerk, I can guarantee you’ll lose friends quicker than you can say ‘But it really is great for your CV!’.
Step 4: Propose
If somehow all of these methods have failed to banish your friend, it’s time to get serious. Lifetime commitment serious. I recommend that you drop down on one knee, profess your undying love for them and ask them to marry you.
Nothing sends someone running for the hills faster than a proposal from someone they have known for less than two months. Just make sure you don’t end up college married by accident or you’ll never be able to ditch them.
That shit is binding.
Step 5: Fake your death
It’s the only way to truly escape the Stage 5 clingers. Summon your true friends and have them stage a fake memorial service for you while you flee to Paris for a week. Hide out there as you email your DOS about a sudden name change and warn them about the drastic changes you’re about to make to your appearance. Get a good wig, some colour contacts, a new accent and, if absolutely necessary, some facial tattoos.
Return later in the term posing as a new student and never speak of your old life again except to those in your trusted inner circle. I’m not saying I know from experience that this method works. Or that the reason I’ve been at this uni for four years is because I faked my own death as a fresher in order to avoid freshers’ week clingers, and then had to start again under the assumed identity of ‘Molly O’Connor’ complete with a snazzy new Irish accent. I’m also not denying either of those things.
Of course, all of this hoopla could be avoided if we all just didn’t panic and throw ourselves into artificially close friendships within days of meeting each other out of a crippling fear of social isolation. It’s almost like we should all just chill the fuck out, not stress about it and let friendships develop organically over time.
Or we could all just get back to picking out what flowers we want at our fake funerals.