A totally respectable guide to healthy drinking

Let’s face it – health is one of those things that you probably have to worry about if you plan graduating/making it past thirty/becoming immortal and subjecting everyone to your terrible Tab articles until the world burns up in its orbit.

Yet the rise of the millennial, instagram-fuelled health kick is somewhat at odds with a university life style. What once was smashed avocado on sourdough seasoned with salt and pepper becomes slightly stale Warbuton’s loaf infused with particles from the kitchen top (let’s be real – I don’t even remember what a chopping board looks like).

Remember fruit? And dignity?

And if this wasn’t enough to make a grown being cry potassium-deficient tears, just take a trip down to Hall. Any potentially tempting fresh produce is hurled aside for a wondrous new form of potato. This vegetable is more innovative than me trying to explain my essay in a supervision. Nothing on your plate has photosynthesised a day in it’s life, let alone been blended to oblivion by the NutriBullet. 

I am yet undecided as to whether the green substance on this cod is intentional

But all of this is okay. Your body can survive this switch, even if your ego can’t. The real danger zone arrives when alcohol comes into play.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that the sudden drowning of every cell in your body in Sainsbury’s own brand vodka on a bi-daily basis was a somewhat novel experience for the majority of you. Or at least, drinking for longer than the three days of (insert name of whatever festival you still haven’t changed your profile picture from here) is. The problem is, this is how we live now.

Sure, any qualified medical professional would probably advise you to cut back on drinking/sober up/please put your trousers back on this is a public place, but I’m not one of those. If you wanted useful information, you wouldn’t be reading the Tab. Instead, I’m going to reveal to you my top tips for alcoholic consumption without feeling guilty.

What’s your poison?

Sadly, Spoons don’t serve bleach anymore so another form of mind numbing substance will be necessary. There are three main routes to go down here: beer, wine or spirits.

Beer – Fact: Beer is 95% water. Fact: Your body is 85% water. You do the maths. (Disclaimer: a very loose definition of fact has been applied here)

Wine – I’m no oenologist, but wine is just a lot of grapes. Why not cut out the middle man and consume enough grapes until every tube inside your body is congested with fermenting fruit?

Why is there raw wine in the fruit bar?

Spirits – (notably not making a Halloween based pun) There are pretty much inherently a health food. No fresher’s flu spreading microorganism will be able to survive the wrath of what is essentially just flavoured hand sanitiser.

Mixers

The majority of you will not have experienced sufficient childhood trauma to handle your spirits straight. As the phrases go: ‘the wand chooses the wizard’, ‘manners maketh man’ and ‘don’t choose a shit mixer’. This is where we’re really going to top up on those good ol’ nutrients.

The only primary reading I’m doing

Berocca (but probably Sainsbury’s own brand) – This essentially just Fanta, but injected with whatever God put in Adam’s body when he fabricated him from nothingness. Don’t question it – a plus and a minus make a plus. It’s science, bitch.

Juice of a fruit of your choice – We’ve all heard the rumours, but I’ve done some research and can conclude that fruit is actually good for you. We’re not trying to be superhumans, though, so keep it low-key with the blood of said fruit. And remember children, any time spent eating fruit whole is time that could be spent chugging vodka.

15% alcohol, 85% irreparable liver damage

Bombs – Not really sure what the raw ingredient is for Jaegerbombs but they’re quite nice aren’t they?

Green smoothies – I know what you’re probably thinking: ‘But Ania, how could such an inherently breakfasty drink make it onto a list as plausible and thoroughly thought through as this one?’ And you’re right. I’m not suggesting you mix this with alcohol – I’m not a complete maniac. Just befriend a medic and get them to IV it directly into your bloodstream.

Tears – Cheap and efficient. You’re just replacing what’s left your body – it’s basically homeostasis. Or that water cycle diagram that you did in year 9 Geography.

Or, failing all of the above, just hit the narcotics. After all, there’s no weekly unit guide for heroine.