Everything I hate about the Sidgwick Site

Read this even if you’re a NatSci for a dose of Schadenfreude

Arts cambridge students Cambridge University English law Lectures Sidgwick

Who can blame arts students for not going to lectures when they’re based at this architectural monstrosity?

As I walk onto the Sidgwick Site I can literally feel my soul leaving my body. The whole experience is akin to being surrounded by several very hungry Dementors taking it in turns to suck my face off.

Actual footage of me

Actual footage of me going into a lecture

So, what better way to alleviate my suffering than describing it in painstaking detail for The Tab? Read on for more whining.

The journey there

Anarchy, pure anarchy. Noam Chomsky insists that society operates better without state governance and control, but I bet he’s never walked along Silver Street at 8.55am on a Monday morning. Pedestrian crossings seem to serve no practical purpose, apart from decorating the road. There will also invariably be a crowd of tourists going on a leisurely stroll with absolutely no awareness of the grave error they have made by venturing out at Death O’Clock.

There are so many bicycles, yet so few people who seem to have passed their cycling proficiency test. Some bright sparks even deem it acceptable to walk along the pavement, wheeling their bicycles along beside them. Why? Why would you do this? What the fuck is the point? Do everyone a favour and chuck it off the next bridge into the River Cam. Please.

The traffic lights

Apple Maps tells me that my walk from college to Sidge should be 10 minutes. And, indeed, it would be, if not for those god-awful traffic lights at the main crossroads.

Lies

Lies

These buggers cost me at least 10 extra minutes every morning, as I wait for the little green man to finally make an appearance. He disappears for lengthy, seemingly random, spells of time. People stack up. Days, weeks, years pass. The red man just won’t leave.

All this is time that could otherwise be spent eating a nice choice croissant back at college, as sustenance for the hours (well, hour) of eighteenth century European history lying ahead.

Everything is so ugly

The buildings are on stilts. Grey stilts. Ugly stilts.

My friend doing architecture informs me that this is to access cleaner air. Obviously, she studies this formally on a daily basis, but I’m not convinced.

The one exception is the Law Faculty, a building that is so blatantly superior to all the others because law is far better sponsored than any other arts subject, serving as a daily reminder of how unemployable and useless your own degree is in comparison.

Good enough reason to transfer to Law

Good enough reason to transfer to Law

The fact that I can’t use my CamCard at the Arc Cafe 

This is a scandal. The one perk of living in The Bubble is the fact that you can spend money without it feeling real by pulling out your lovely blue card pretty much everywhere. I even get a discount with it at the Van of Life.

But instead, I have to use REAL MONEY and the Cafe won’t take debit card on purchases under £5. I just want a coffee and I am too much of a mess to have any change.

The proximity to the UL

I can see it on the horizon. It looms. It reminds me of that book I took out for an essay two weeks ago that I never even looked at and really need to take back, because the fine will be horrendous. I know this, and yet I can’t bring myself to walk for a whole two minutes to take it back.

Hello, it's me

Leave me alone

The Selwyn students

Creds to all the humanities applicants who had the sense to apply to Selwyn, which is right next to the Sidgwick Site. You’ve got it sorted and I am jealous.

They amble through the gates that go directly from college to the faculties at 8.59am, having only rolled out of bed five minutes prior. It’s insufferable.

And, of course, any lecture I go to Sidgwick for will be absolutely useless anyway.