Tinder in Cambridge: A Scientific Investigation

It’s going down, I’m getting Tinder

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For all you loners out there, you know you all need some Tinder in your life.

Who doesn’t want some good lovin’ from some middle-aged man whose purpose on Tinder is to “look for a ball girl to retrieve balls”? That totally made me want to jump his bones.

In the name of investigative journalism (and procrastination) I set out to see how Tinder would work in Cambridge. The verdict? Trust me, Tinder here in the Bubble is a lot better than I expected:

How easy is it to get matches?

As the scientific person that I am (HSPS has science in it so shush), I decided to design the most objective way possible to examine how Tinder would work for girls like me. I tried to make my Tinder profile as average as possible.

Just casually slaying.

Just casually slaying.

Apart from having an exotic af profile photo (seriously, you don’t see an ancient Chinese wall every day), an extremely sexy bio and a masterpiece of all time (Drake) as my anthem, my profile is pretty average. Therefore, I believe the results of my investigation will be useful to all of you, or at least half of you.

As I couldn’t afford to be too picky and to avoid accusations of elitism, I basically swiped right on every single guy, even those who didn’t study at the university. Out of the 100 guys I swiped right on, I got 68 matches.

What are the guys on Tinder like?

Eye-candy level: I didn’t see a lot of guys in my age range, but tbh, I only swiped for 100 guys, so there could possibly be a whole world of gems out there that I’m not aware of.

Horniness level: As part of my completely scientific investigation, I started conversations with 10 guys with “wanna fuck?”. Out of these 10 guys, four didn’t reply (and yes, my feelings were hurt in case you were wondering). Two showed immediate interest and inquired as to where I lived so that they could catch a taxi right away. Two appreciated my honesty. And two told me that I’m a vulgar and shallow person, which I am, so I don’t resent them.

Half of you are probably thinking, “one step closer to finding my soul mate to have a loving family with and to grow old with!” While the other half are moping over the fact that there is only a slight chance they could get laid tonight.

Intellectual level: Another part of my investigation involved sending a classic “fuck, marry, kill” question to 10 lucky lads. And their options were: Marx, Weber and Durkheim. I knew at that point that I was making myself sound irresistibly attractive and not boring at all.

Some people are just not down for actually utilising their brain, it seems:

Thanks for the question marks. I did intend for that to be a question.

Thanks for the question marks. I did intend for that to be a question.

Some people managed to totally change my views on the three most important figures in sociology.

His argument is pretty solid.

His argument is pretty solid.

I think I’m ready for my first in HSPS now.

So, there you go folks. This is my pep talk for you before you decide to get down and dirty in the wild jungle of Tinder. Oh, by the way, I also met my soul mate while carrying out this investigation:

We’re planning on getting married next month xxx

We’re planning on getting married next month xxx

Guys I think he’s trying to break up with me. He doesn’t reply anymore.

In conclusion, get Tinder. And if you were wondering, that’s when he stopped replying. Typical.