Which Thespian Stereotype are you?
We all know one of them
Considering having a stab at Cambridge theatre? Are you determined to pull off a Tom Hiddleston? Read on to see what you might find should you audition for one of the billions of shows taking place in Cambridge every week.
The Footlight Wannabe
You only applied to Cambridge because you deluded yourself into believing you were the next Fry/Laurie/Mitchell/ Webb. On walking into the audition room, you will probably describe yourself as a ‘funny guy,’ thereby affirming that you are in fact a dull prune. You usually say that you’re in the process of ‘collaborating’ with another comic god. Unfortunately, the only collaboration you have is with a friendly ball of tumbleweed, which follows you around wherever you go.
You will audition consistently for Footlights Smokers until your eventual realisation that you are about as amusing as a butternut squash (fruit/veg jokes are about your level of humour.) You will then turn your attention to becoming a Union/Tab hack.
The Emotional Mess
To this aspiring thespian, life is one big drama on and off stage. Your overactive tear ducts will flood the ADC dressing rooms to the point where directors will be gasping for air and their own sanity. You will have likely had great success in Kleenex ads but your thespian talents probably end there.
You will channel all your rage, torment, sadness and pain into your audition, only to be reminded by the director that you are auditioning for the Panto.
King/Queen of CAMDRAM
Fame is your profession, self-promotion is your vocation. You are probably on your tenth show of the term and you want everyone to know about it. Your essays are consistently 2:2’s but it’s totes fine because you’ve got over two hundred likes on your profile picture which invariably features an over egged expression on a background telling us all about the latest show you’re playing a marginally important role in.
The fact that you spend almost no time in college leads many to question whether you are still alive/sane.
The person who had a constant cold (or any other ailment that greatly and consistently hinders their ability to be at their best)
Everyone has a cold now and again. You, though, will always schedule your pneumonia to pop up in audition season. Most common in musical auditions, at your best you actually have a voice to rival Celine Dion and acting talents far surpassing the heights of Dame Judy Dench. Unfortunately, your timely cold will shadow these abundant talents. Directors can be sure, though, you are actually really, really talented… right?
The Brian Blessed tribute act
GORDON’S ALIVE!!!!!!!! Big, Bold and Bushy beard, this fine thespian will make a huge impression but you might eat the director in the process. Such a legend is hard to imitate.
The Nervous Wreck
Poor peeping Tom! All you wanted to do was join the University Tiddlywinks society but your Cumberbitch parents told you that you were to be an award-winning movie star. Often you, poor soul, will fail to make the audition, marooned outside the ADC stage door, too terrified to ask for the code from the scary people with facial hair and wavy garms.
If you do, however, manage to reach the inner sanctum of the ADC you must be handled with great care by the directors. Microphones may be required for your audition… as may gas and air.
The person who knows the director
You are the absolute worst auditionee of all. Utterly soul-destroying to others auditioning, you won’t at first look any different to other theatre try-hards. When the audition door opens, however, your disguise is blown immediately. Your eyes will light up, a thespy in-joke with the director will follow. You will embrace each other dramatically (of course).
You will then begin to exchange memorable lines from your prep school nativity. Everyone else may as well leave. You have made the audition process redundant.
Don’t fit into these categories? Chances are you are actually pretty decent. But to any freshers out there considering auditioning for fresher shows, fear ye not.
Just keep in mind the wise words of Toy Story creator Joss Whedon: “Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck.”