The News Bulletin, Week 5: Tory Triggers, Chundergraduates and Fashionista Faff

Jack Benda and Ellie Olcott round up the weekly news

Cancer chunder CN cuca culc hypocrisy News panna cotta Pepper pink week policy port private school socialism Union Varsity vomit vomiy

Supercilious Summary

Well it’s week five again, and the onset of severe Valentine’s-Day-insufferability hasn’t helped the masses of single, over-worked, under-loved Cantabs get over their mounting essay deadlines. In the days running up to February 14th, The Tab ran a number of typically sarcastic, cynical articles in line with our anti-capitalist agenda, including “Why being single on Valentine’s Day is actually great” and “Overly affectionate Facebook couples need to stop“. Jealous much?

On Saturday, the Cambridge Corn Exchange hosted the 2016 Cambridge University Charity Fashion Show. It was an opportunity for Cant-abs (see what Jellie did there) to strut their stuff on the catwalk. The event also attracted attention from several national papers, with The Mail Online running the headline “Fifty Shades of Cambridge: University students take to the catwalk in bondage gear at controversial fashion show”. We can’t help but think they missed the point somewhat.

It’s not been a great week for Cambridge Ball organisers this week, with major ticketing issues with Clare College May Ball leading to the total recall of all sold tickets, and delays to the coaches home post-Law Soc Ball after a minor bus accident in Essex. One could say its all gone balls up.

This week has seen massive success for the Match for Lara campaign, with a matching stem-cell donor being found. The donor remains anonymous but is likely one of the 20,000 people estimated to have joined the Anthony Nolan register as a result of the campaign. Congratulations!

Barbara Cantab

Just an ordinary student’s take on the news.

Festival of Shite

The Cambridge e-Luminate Festival has seen multiple building around the city centre bathed in insipid LED light. Senate House, Guildhall, Caius College and many other structures have been rigged to glow late into the night thanks to corporate sponsors including Panasonic and Philips. Jellie appreciates the attempts to present Cambridge architecture in a modern and colourful light, but it would be useful if the lights actually worked…

On the popular Overheard in Cambridge Facebook group, one keen-eyed Cantab spotted this spectacle of graphic excellence projected onto senate house. Truly awe inspiring.

Credit: Ben Jackson

Another overseer at Cambridge noticed a pun that could literally only be made in the English Faculty Library. Oh the humour in defamiliarising a signifying phrase from its literal context, playing on a double entendre to personify an inanimate object. Punny.

You would not be incorrect in surmising that one of Jellie studies English. Apologies.

Just Dessert 

In celebration of Pink Week, Pembroke College hosted a “Pink Week Formal”. The meal was going swimmingly well up to dessert, at which point the catering team thought it would be a good idea to season a panna cotta… WITH PEPPER. One distraught Pembroke student told the Tab, “It was disgusting. It made me sad. Why would you do this?  I can’t enjoy a cream concoction with all this fucking pepper.”

Keen followers of the Jellie news bulletin will notice this hasn’t been the first time a college has unwisely accompanied desert with a spicy condiment. #Horsegate2?

It looks like this for a reason

TW: Conservative Politics 

The Cambridge University Conservative Association (CUCA), in a slightly bizarre jeer at the left wing, have made a joke about “socialism” requiring a “health warning” in case some readers may be allergic.

In their weekly newsletter entitled “Port and Cheese, Snowdon, Brexit”, the author of the email joked, “an important health warning needs to be given: this email contains the word ‘socialism’, so if you are allergic to such terms then it is inadvisable to continue reading.”

Don’t worry CUCA, most people stop reading at the word “Port” in your subject line.


The latest Varsity Print edition featured an article on how “poor” application advice from teachers at state schools damages the chances state-educated students have of securing places at “elite universities”. They conclude that, according to the Sutton Trust, “the playing field between state and private schools can be levelled.

Jellie can’t help but notice the awkward placement of a job advertisement to teach at Tonbridge, a renowned independent, fee-paying, day/boarding school in Kent LITERALLY JUST BELOW the article about levelling the playing field. Fees are just over £12,000 to board each term or  £9,000 for a day pupil. In January 2015, Tonbridge proudly announced that “Forty-one boys – a record – have received offers for entry to either Oxford or Cambridge Universities.” Good luck levelling that one.

On the topic of Varshitty, the saying “old news is no news” seems to have been forgotten. In this week’s print edition, their section on “News in Brief” featured a story about how Trinity has bought theTop Gear site; a story covered byThe Tab over two years ago.

Perhaps their coverage has something to do with our Tab Cambridge Facebook page re-sharing our original article last week. It’s really worth getting to grips with time.

Chundergraduates: Shit Hall

It seems as though Cantabs haven’t got out of their age-old habit of chundering “Vomit Everywhere”. This email was sent out by the Tit Hall JCR President following an “unspeakable” amount of vomit was “left in both the men’s and women’s JCR toilets.”

The unfortunate incident of regurgitation, undertaken in both sets of toilets, has been rumoured to be down to a bout of food poisoning. Apparently flying pork can carry salmonella.

The graphic was not featured in the original email, but it should’ve been.


Comment of the Week this week has to go to the romantically named “Someone Actually In Love”, who has decided that our own Deputy Editor, Molly O’Connor, “is just bitter that she’s going to be alone for Valentine’s Day and probably forever.”

When asked for comment, Molly told us that “my dog, Wilma, is the only bitch in my life” and that “both her and me are deeply honoured.” #makenoassumptions

See you next week Cantabs.