Overly affectionate Facebook couples need to stop

A wise friend once told me about “the 10% rule”, which states that your average Facebook friend cares about any given event in your life about 10% as much as you do. By this reasoning, all the couples on my newsfeed must think I am deeply invested in their relationships. 

We all know those couples on Facebook that never want to stop reminding the world that they are so #blessed to have found each other in this crazy messed up world. While I am happy for them in theory, I often find myself wondering why they can’t just tell each other that and instead have to post it as a public status to all of their 700+ friends.

I’m sure we’ve all seen at least one outrageously soppy birthday or anniversary post within the last couple of weeks and are mentally bracing ourselves for the oncoming storm of Valentine’s day gushing.

Most couples don’t even wait for some sort of vaguely socially acceptable occasion to spatter their love across the newsfeeds of their unsuspecting friends. There have been times when I’ve genuinely wondered whether or not some of the couples on my newsfeed know how to use private messenger.

They seem to treat the Facebook wall of their partner as the ideal place to dump their spontaneous declarations of love, in-jokes no-one but them thinks are funny or cute, updates on that oh-so-hilarious thing that their partner did, and creepily overly affectionate and emoji-ridden calls to dinner.

I wish I were joking

Now I’m not heartless. I get that when you’re in love you’re just so overflowing with happiness that you want to make sure that your significant other knows it. But why are you posting this when you could just actually tell them? Message them privately, call them, text them – or, god forbid, actually speak to them.

The only reason these things are posted is because these couples have some sort of compulsion to remind the entire world that they are just so gosh darn head over heels in love. They’re so blinded by their rosy love-goggles that they cannot comprehend a world in which everyone isn’t gagging to get an update on what’s going on on Planet Heart-Eyes.

But I have never looked at an in-depth and bizarrely detailed account of some random couple’s “soooooo romantic and sweet” date night and thought “Wow, what an incredibly stable and adorable couple, I bet they’re not insecure about anything. I hope someday I can find a love like theirs!”

To be perfectly honest, I just feel a bit sorry for them. Social media plays such a significant role in our lives these days that people feel the need to constantly project this image of perfect happiness to all of their “friends” – but it doesn’t come across as sincere, it comes across as performative. And while you’re busy performing feeling so #inlovewiththebae for all your friends and followers, you might be missing out on the little moments that actually make that date special.

LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN WE’RE HAVING. LOOK AT IT.

So with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I implore you, couples of Facebook, to put the phones down. Instead of a status bragging about how gorgeous the roses that your partner bought for you are, stop and actually sniff them. Instead of posting a picture of the super romantic meal you’re eating, try talking to your significant other over dinner instead. Try enjoying the night with just them – not them and an audience.

It’s not Valentine’s Day without materialism and bragging

Because to be honest guys, you’re fooling no-one. If the date night was really that good you’d be way too, ahem, busy to be posting on Facebook about it when you got home.