The News Bulletin, Week 2: Port & parody, Curry King comrades and cover picture conundrums
Jack Benda and Ellie Olcott round up the weekly news
Well, this week has been quite a busy one over at The Tab with the publication of an exposé revealing that members of a self-help forum have been trading prescription drugs. The response has been huge with comment pieces and editorials from several other student publications. The satirical online publication Porters Log even jokes that the journalist in question had been nominated for pulitzer prize after “exposing sinister cusu cartel”.
Meanwhile, The Tab Soton (Southhampton) has published a news article on the topic, concluding with a survey asking “should the swapping and sharing of drugs within the group be allowed to continue?”. They have overwhelmingly voted that “No. It’s dangerous and one mistake could be fatal”.
In other news, figures have emerged showing that the “number of students asking for special exam conditions has nearly doubled” while the number of accepted applications nearly halving.
Good news, St John’s have been donating abandoned cycles to OWL bikes, who have been re-housing them in Africa. If you’re sick of cycling to lectures, and want to released from the chains of your rusty transport machine, why not donate here.
Tits up TCS
In Volume 17, Issue 4, TCS reported that 1) Van Gijn (Graduate Union president) had resigned the day before the end of her term, 2) that the Graduate Union had announced the wrong 2015-16 candidate in Lent 2015 and 3) that there had been the threat of a no-confidence motion by this “wrong candidate”. All of the above were untrue.
The Tab has learnt that TCS plans to run an article in next week’s print edition regarding recent research by a Cambridge academic that pigs can, in fact, fly. [This is satire you can’t sue us (as popular as that desire may be at the moment)]
Port and Parody
CUCA are starting the term off in strapping style. Hoodies at a Port and Policy! How “egregious” (meaning: outstandingly bad). Good luck “emulating” the Tory cabinet – wear your morals on your sleeve, then put on an extremely thick tweed overcoat and never take it off. Tally-ho comrades!
In an entirely unrelated move, the Oxford University Labour Club will be hosting a “Beer and Bickering” event next week. I feel like the other place may have got it right for once. What will it be for you? Beer or port…
Curry King Camaraderie
It would appear that popular swap venue Curry King has initiated a rather aggressive advertising campaign. Despite the owners looking visibly displeased whenever Cambridge students turn up to their restaurant, they have decided that not enough of us are coming. It is, after all, a restaurant owner’s dream to have a bunch of rowdy, sweaty students downing alcohol in order to ease their social awkwardness.
Mya Böttcher, aka “The Queen of Life, Princess of the VK’s and Lady of the J-Bombs” has a Sunday Life dedicated in celebration of her birthday. The Tab has spoken to the birthday babe, and she told us, “I came to Cambridge with dreams of excelling academically, perhaps becoming a blue or finding true love.” She lamented however, “I’m pretty sure I have spent more hours in Kuda than on my degree.”
Mya’s true dedication to the underground club has led the manager to host a night in her honour. Even though she might have bought enough VKs in the club to keep it running for a long time, Mya was still surprised when she found “there is a Sunday Life Event dedicated to my birthday”. Happily for Mya, all of her “life goals have literally been achieved”. Maybe we need to be spending more time in Life to have a happier life.
Get down to Life tonight and bask in the glory of BNIL (big name in Life). Surely this puts Mya firmly in the running for Cambridge’s biggest BNOC?
The Union Society‘s debate on mental health’s initial Facebook cover-picture boasted perhaps slightly awkward placement of the Deloitte logo.
However, within 15 minutes of the event’s publication, the cover picture had mysteriously disappeared without a trace, replaced by a stock photograph of a “word cloud” in the shape of a brain. This cover picture too later disappeared, replaced by a screenshot of the term-card.
See you next week Cantabs.