Cambridge’s Best Bum: REVEALED
Top points for symmetry + scholarliness of location
The Tab is proud to announce the winner of Best Bums. She studies Natural Sciences and took out a whopping 37.7% of the vote over the other contestants.
She won over our hearts:
And those of the Daily Mail’s readers:
The winning picture, included below, is a subtle commentary on the intersecting allure of literary oeuvres and the sight of the human form. The molten statue, against which Kate is juxtaposed, functions as a canny observation about the relative malleability of the human person, while drawing the eye in parallel to various other contrasts of light and dark in the photograph.
Kate told us that while she studies Natural Sciences, she is a “huge art lover”.
“When I found out there was a Gormley in Jesus library I thought,’Yes! If I pose naked in front of it, everyone will think I’m being so artistic. They will realise the parallel between the statue representing the individual in history and me proudly displaying my body as an individual in the wider feminist movement of body positivity’.
“But no, no one’s even bloody heard of Gormley! The only comment I’ve heard about the sculpture is ‘lol his willy is out’. Uncultured swines.”
Sources in the Art History department say it’s likely to spawn an entirely new field of study and stave off the subject’s demise by at least another 20 years.
The men’s winner stood on a paltry 5.6% of the vote. Not even the iconic pull of Mathematical Bridge was enough to stand a chance against Kate, who snuck into Jesus College library at 4:30 am with a borrowed CamCard.
Kate told us this was the best thing to ever happen to her: “Before this I thought my wedding day or the birth of my first child would be the happiest day of my life, but I’m not sure if anything could top this.”
We asked her how it felt to have literally Cambridge’s best arse: “At school, when everyone just wanted to be as skinny as possible, it was never a good thing. People just called me chunky and I couldn’t find any jeans to fit me. But now thanks to Nicki Minaj, J-Lo and Kim Kardasian, suddenly my bum is all the rage.”
Ever humble, she tried to bestow the credit on others: “I owe it all to my mother. She, like me, also carries the burden of having a size 10 waist with a cup breasts, and size 14 hips. But it is thanks to her wacky genes that I have won this competition, and it does mean we can share all our clothes.”
Her participation has even inspired wild Internet conspiracies:
George, of Darwin, who lost the competition, said: “Kate better watch her ass. I will be re-entering next year with a vengeance and a slightly better location.”