BREAK-IN NEWS: Darwin College assailed by suicidal Guineafowl

The pheasants are revoluting

Darwin College Guineafowl Pheasants

Already being described as ‘one of those things that only happens at Cambridge’, Darwin College was left in a flap this lunchtime as a pheasant smashed through the window of its dining hall.

The bird, age unconfirmed, was left “mortally wounded” after crashing lunch and had to be “humanely dealt with” by Catering staff.

Domestic Bursar Matthew Edwards, who witnessed the fowl play alongside several students, described how the bird “scattered” utensils everywhere before “lying on the floor, moving only a little bit”.

The poor bastard

As for a motive, he speculated the “low position of the sun” and “reflections of the trees” caused the fowl – often regarded as Britain’s stupidest bird – the fly straight into the window.

Students quickly flocked to social media in the wake of the tragedy to show their grief.

Has the modern world desensitised us to suffering?

Some read more thoroughly into events, with Francesca Wood, Second Year at Fitz, claiming  the pheasant’s actions were “clearly an intelligent and pre-mediated protest” against “the appalling animal rights record of the Cameron administration”, likening the bird to “Emile Pankhurst, but with a window”.

Protest group Animal Rights Cambridge have been approached, but have thus far declined to comment.

Needless to say, the pheasant will not be appearing on the Formal Hall menu any time soon – Health and Safety regulations stipulate it’s fine to eat a pheasant that’s full of lead, but not one that’s full of glass.