Whine of the Week: Kisses in texts

Opulent settings and wine go together like a happily married couple.

The Wordsworth room in St John’s College and the fine glass of pinot noir, Domaine Louis Violland, 2011 vintage were no exception.

Sharp and refreshing for a red. It was a wine with a keen wit and lively character, much like the company expected at such a gathering.

Rating: 4 stars

Intelligence: 7.5

The intellectual liquid stands in stark contrast to today’s whine. Looking down at my phone post meal I noticed a text from my Mum. At the end of the message there were two little pointless letters: xx.

Don’t do it Mum, honestly

I harbour a bottomless coal shaft of hate for Xs on texts. My hatred is justified for two reasons.

Firstly they are pointless. Traditionally, before the likes of Vodafone and O₂ gave us mobile telecommunication, these little amorous addendums were reserved for birthday cards and love letters. They actually meant something and were a sign of affection.

Now these little kisses are everywhere, they’re inescapable. Their ubiquity has robbed them of any emotional significance, rendering them a redundant piece of a message. You may as well write your address at the bottom of your text, or “yours sincerely”, or “amen”, or the first lines of Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier.

Put an x on a text and I’ll bop you in the gabber

If you really loved someone you would have a personal sign off, rather than the string letters that you would put on a group what’s app message to your netball team mates. Show some fucking imagination for Christ’s sake.

You were given a loving and sentient brain, use it. Don’t waste your precious seconds by adding little letters that no one cares about and that I hate. The only good they could possibly do is if Nigel Farage wasted his time just enough by adding “xxxxxxxxx” to the end of a message, that he was toppled by a Polish truck hiding Syrian refugees amongst curry leaves and copies of the Koran.

Getting rid of him would be the only good thing the x could achieve

My second reason for loathing these xs, is the petty politics associated with them. What will she think if I put three xs? Wait she replied with only one, does that mean she doesn’t want to shag me?

Deliberating over the number of xs to put in texts and agonising over the ones received is a waste of time and your mental capacity. No one likes it so don’t do it. Instead of insinuating the state of your relationship with xs just baldly say it: “It was lovely to see you last night, but I don’t want to shag you because your teeth make you look like you are constantly about to sneeze”.

That is far better than adding a lonely “x” and fucking with the moron’s mind you sociopath.

Anyway children, I’ve wasted enough time talking about this. It would be far better to get stupid with this oh so clever wine.

X