The Solution to Porn

In this week’s column, ADRIAN GRAY solves sex. You’re welcome guys

2014 adrian columnist gray Michaelmas porn Sex Tab this will get loads of hits cos sex

What was a ‘first time’ like for the generation where no-one had access to porn?

I imagine the following:

The male would have screamed and orgasmed instantly upon seeing a pair of breasts; likewise, the female would have screamed and pretended to orgasm instantly upon seeing a penis. They’d then have cried, shook hands and parted ways.

What will a ‘first time’ be like for those in the near, semi-dystopian future where everyone has alltheporn.porn as their smart-watch homepage from when they’re eleven? I imagine the following:

The male will scream and vomit instantly upon seeing a pair of non-surgically enhanced breasts; likewise, the female will scream and vomit instantly upon seeing a naked man she probably likes scream and vomit. They’ll then cry, shake hands, and return to The Anti-Ebola Centre for Survivors™.

Nobody wants to see a picture of anything that has just been described. Here's a dog instead.

Nobody wants to see a picture of anything that has just been described. Here’s a dog instead.

What I’ve tried to illustrate is that first times are always terrible – comically so – but that there’s a growing concern they’re becoming the wrong kind of terrible. A ruined-by-porn kind of terrible.

The Guardian’s recent sex survey drew the conclusion that porn is changing what young people, particularly boys, expect from sex.

Apparently they want sex to emulate what they’ve seen online, which is bound to be more extreme than anything they’re ready for. It’s also bound to leave them disappointed.

But I take slight issue with the argument. I would never deny that what we watch as we grow up can change us, but I think it’s somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to assume porn is completely altering the way young people have sex, even if it is having an effect.

You see, the survey hasn’t considered just how desperate for any sexual contact many young people are.

I, like a number Cambridge students, spent most of my teenage years in the foetal position alternating between aggressively applying ‘Oxy-10’ and chuckling nervously at the jokes in the CGP textbooks.

I was hyper-horny, terrified, and in a state of perpetual frustrated nonogamy.

An artist's impression of teenage Adrian's sex life.

An artist’s impression of teenage Adrian’s sex life.

Thus, had a girl offered me sex when I was seventeen I don’t think I would have questioned the specifics, let alone demanded a jacuzzi-earfuck-gangbang or whatever then kicked off when she refused.

To be honest I’d have probably either pinched myself to death or bored her into leaving by combing the area for hidden cameras while muttering something about the ‘Prank Patrol’.

But then I suppose I’m not really part of the generation the survey’s describing.

I didn’t have porn on my phone – I had a midi version of ‘Chico Time’ by Chico.

Sure, that probably did fuck me up a bit but it can’t have made me hate women’s bodies. If anything it made me hate men. Certainly made me hate one of them.

As a teenager, this is what Adrian had instead of sex.

Hey there

So if porn does increasingly affect young people, what’s the solution?

I suppose we could dramatically improve sex education to cover the dangers of porn consumption, but that sounds like something sensible Sweden would do so we probably won’t.

In reality I think the solution is to weave sex education into online pornography.

If done subtly, I’m pretty sure no-one would mind. I envisage something like this:

Porn film/sex-education mashup – by Adrian Gray

MAN knocks on door. He is delivering a bag of sausages (metaphor).

Woman opens door.

WOMAN: Are you here with the sausages?

MAN: Yes.

MAN accidentally glances at camera then shifts awkwardly. You can see that the actor feels uncomfortable with the dialogue aspect of his job. He’s probably also fundamentally unhappy.

WOMAN: Then come in.

She emphasises the word come a bit too much and it sounds like she’s taking the piss.

MAN: Okay.

They enter the woman’s characterless living room. Although full of possessions it’s somehow still empty. A sort of beige suburban hell.

MAN: Can I put my sausage in your bun?

WOMAN: Hehe.

MAN: Can I do you up the arse?

WOMAN: No. (To camera) Although porn might establish anal sex as the norm, if attempted without experience and the appropriate lubricant it can be painful for the woman, or possibly even dangerous. Protection should also always be worn.

MAN: Let’s try missionary.

Happy Days theme plays. Credits roll.