End exams in three simple baths

Sick of spending more in Lush than you do in the buttery? Let BEN DALTON sink you down into a pool of homemade delights…

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Your best friend Josephine has finished all of her exams, and didn’t she do so well!

You were waiting outside Benet House with the bottle of Cava for her to walk into and the lit Marlboro Rouge for her to walk onto. Back at college you even had a fully loaded episode of Miranda lying in wait on Putlocker. Josephine gasped and screamed and ran around in faux-horror to give the impression she hadn’t herself made you promise to do the Cava and the spraying and the presenting of the bouquet and to do this all mid-Instagram. Josephine’s Grandma sobbed tears of joy down the phone and there was a Moonpig waiting for her at the plodge.

Unlike Josephine, you haven’t finished yet. You still have three exams to go. You’re still rubbing soap into your corneas each morning, eating cottage cheese alone in the UL and flipping your pillow three times to the power of ten every night in frantic search of the chilly side which, lip curled, quite flagrantly refuses to arrive.

You’re going to have to have a relaxing bath. And you’re going to have to draw it yourself, because lord knows Josephine has forgotten all about you. But don’t for a moment think this will entail a trek to Lush. For all you wondering how you could possibly spend more than ten minutes immersed without a hit of Honey I Washed The Kids, read on. These baths will come straight out of your kitchen cupboard. And they will give you all the right answers. And you will be the most successful person in the shiniest shoes on Graduation. And Josephine will realise you’re wonderful and try and snog you approximately a million times. And then you’ll tell Josephine sorry but no thanks.

The Cleopatra


–          One pint of milk

–          Two tablespoons of runny honey

Bath stats:

–          Creamy soft water

–          Subtle foaming in island formation

–          Sticky honey armpits following usage, but nothing too alarming

To be enjoyed with:

–          Grand Designs on iPlayer

Dairy decadence…

The Vino Veritas


–          Two glasses of wine

–          A handful of squashed grapes

Bath stats:

–          Subtly royal water colouring

–          Smells like washing up after a party, but without the sordid memories

To be enjoyed with:

–          “George’s Marvellous Medicine” on audio cassette

The truth will out (in your exam)

The Snickers


–          One cup of cocoa powder

–          One cup of goats milk

–          A thumb’s breadth of butter

–          A handful of peanuts

Bath stats:

–          The exact opposite, yet intimately uncanny, experience of a Snickers Ice-cream

–          Peanuts unexpectedly satisfying underfoot

To be enjoyed with:

–          Red magazine

Mud, mud, glorious bath